AJ was gamely navigating through the humdrum of her staid life, debating about the pros and cons of downing her fifth cup of chai instead of lunching when her doorbell rang incessantly.
AJ quickly plugged her ear pods in, hoping somehow that action would make the bell-ringer go away. Apparently, the bell-ringer was made of sterner stuff and wouldn’t let go of the errant finger off the doorbell!
Cursing her somnambulant family who stayed rooted to their seats, AJ dragged herself to the door.
Before she could register who it was, Mrs. XXL barged in panting, huffing and puffing through her muslin mask that barely stretched across her handsome wide visage.
AJ sent a prayer heavenwards while shedding a silent tear as Mrs. XXL plonked herself into AJ’s favorite chair. The chair groaned as Mrs. XXL squirmed around to get comfortable.
Mission accomplished, Mrs. XXL launched off without any preamble. “I tell you, AJ! There is no bloody justice in this skewed world. The feminists can go hoarse crying for a gender agnostic society, patricentric it continues to remain. Culture doesn’t make people! Do you fathom firstly? If yes, do you concur with my premise? Can you come out of your miasma of ignorance already? Your uninterested demeanor doesn’t portend well!”
AJ stared at her unwelcome, mid-morning guest blankly. Her daily forecast didn’t warn her of any Tharoorisation. Couldn’t depend on ‘Ganesha says’ even. Which banyan tree had blessed Mrs. XXL with this Oxford dictionary worth Vocab?
What if she teleported Mrs. XXL to the distant Cayman Islands? Such bliss it would…
“AJ!!” thundered Mrs. XXL.
AJ snapped out of her reverie.
“Yes, Mrs. XXL! What gives?”
“I cannot boast about myself but in my not so distant heydays, I was the toast of the town. I could give Miss India, a run for her money”
AJ nodded vacantly while she continued to teleport her guest.
“You know, I’m just approaching forty! No one would believe though looking at me!” Mrs. XXL gave a full-bodied smile.
AJ wanted to scream a ‘from which end really?’
But she let this ride for now.
“And to this fine woman, yesterday, at the temple, a well built matronly woman said, ‘Auntie, can you move? We cannot see God properly!’ Just imagine! She was holding her two teenaged children tightly for God’s sake! How my tender heart broke. Like that woman in UP, who thrashed a young woman upon being addressed to as Auntie, I would have beaten this one up too, but for the singular fact of us standing in God’s abode.”
AJ wanted to laugh uproariously but luckily for her, her cautionary antennas were functional. “But that is okay Mrs. XXL. She didn’t mean any evil.” AJ said wanting to nip this thread in the bud.
“What nonsense! Women after forty, call them Auntie! Fifty? Story over! But if a 55-year-old man runs naked on the pristine beaches, go berserk calling him naughty Hottie! Can you imagine the moral ruckus that will unspool if a 55-year-old woman did the same to celebrate her birthday? Running naked? Not so sacred! They will slut her away to the end of this world! Total double standards, I tell you!”
AJ blinked. Sometimes Mrs.XXL made sense.
“What can be done about that anyway? Forget it. Shall I order some samosas for you from Bikaner?” AJ was hungry after a heavy sermon.
“No No, I’m on a strict diet now. I am trying to get in shape, not that I’m not in one now. Forget the birthday suit! I will run in my Chiffon saree on the Goan beaches. Imagine the wispy billowing Pallu thanks to the salty winds. I will make an Insta reel with some Dhinchak Chopra music in the background. Soman will be so yesterday!”
Mrs. XXL’s monologue was broken by a thud.
AJ had fainted picturing the sight of this storm unleashed on clueless humanity.
Mrs. XXL shrugged and walked out to make history, rather her story with saree!
Later, a semi-woke AJ wanted to know if this was the inception of a new bolder run!
Anupama Jain is the author of When Padma Bani Paula and Masala Mix. She has also contributed to several short-story collections. She is an educator, blogger and social media influencer and based in Gurgaon.
Her books are available on Amazon. Click here.
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