International Women’s Day was celebrated on 8 March this year as usual. A lot of paeans were sung for the women in our society. They were appreciated for their fortitude, courage, along with their ability to love and care. Well deserved too. There will be more tributes that will follow next year when this day comes again. And the year after that. As they should—the tributes, I mean.
On that day this year, Rajya Sabha MP Sonal Man Singh announced in Parliament that there should be a Men’s Day too for gender parity. Hello! But there is an International Men’s Day too every November—didn’t she know that? Did you? Can’t blame her alone, since nobody knows, or nobody really cares.
Why do men need to be appreciated? Don’t they have it all since the beginning of humankind, in any case?
Well, yes and no.
This piece is about men—the myth of male power in today’s world.
Since the beginning of Time, men have been subjected to a different kind of pressure. That of being the provider of the family. To bring home food for his wife and children daily has always been a man’s job, a responsibility undertaken by him right from the start. Whether hunting wild boar in the forest at great risk to himself in the prehistoric era, to toiling under the midday sun as a labourer at a construction site or working at a desk crunching numbers for his monthly paycheck in the modern era—he has taken on the onus of being the breadwinner of the family. And this responsibility takes a heavy toll on a man. Even when women entered the workplace, this burden never ever went away. (I am talking of responsible, sensible men, of course—not the wastrels.) The buck stops with him. How many men have the luxury to walk away from this obligation?
Today, when the successful single woman meets the successful single man, they appear to be equals. Great! But should they marry and contemplate having children, she automatically has three career options—1) Work full time (2) Be a mother full time and (3) A bit of both. He considers three career options as well—1) Work full time (2) Work full time and (3) Work full time. While feminism has freed women to discover alternative senses of purpose to raising children, nothing has freed men to find an alternative purpose to raising money.
Think about it.
In fact, a man’s ‘option’ to work full time is really an obligation. It usually is an obligation to work overtime or work two jobs. The money he earns will, in effect, pay for her time to be with the children. The more time he spends making the money so that she can love, the less time he has for his family. He pays for her time to love and nurture the children, and for the children to be loved and nurtured.
Nobody pays men to love and nurture.
In the past three decades, the people with the most freedom to define love have been women. Not all women, but those married to successful men. The men who provided the money that freed women were so caught up in providing an income for themselves, their wives, and their families that they didn’t have a chance to free themselves.
So male power is a myth. Feeling obligated to provide is not power. It is a heavy responsibility. If men are so powerful, then why are suicides that much higher amongst men, not women? Could it be because of this obligation? The never-ending obligation for a man to earn money that someone else spends, while he dies sooner?
Why are successful men the biggest draw in the marriage market? Across the country, a million matchmakers ask the all-important question of their clients daily, ‘Ladka kya karta hai?’ (What does the boy do?) Sensible women don't marry good-looking, sensitive men if these guys are standing in the unemployment line.
Divorces threw hundreds of thousands of women out of the have-it-all class. But modern divorce laws helped women make a transition from economic dependence to economic independence, thanks to alimony. However, no modern laws helped men to make a transition from emotional dependence to emotional independence. Men still struggled for money to support their family economically—they had to, by law—but they did so without a family to support them emotionally.
Which is why women rush to the courts for economic support and men rush to women for emotional support?
Where do we go from here? Frankly, I don’t know. The battle of the sexes continues, and I see a shift of balance……
Yes, I think men need an International Men’s Day after all. For the lip service if nothing else. Since nobody really cares…..
Beetashok Chatterjee is the author of ‘Driftwood’, a collection of stories about Life at Sea and ‘The People Tree’, another collection of stories about ordinary people with extraordinary experiences. A retired merchant ship’s captain by profession, he lives in New Delhi with his memories of living more than 40 years on the waves.
His book is available on Amazon. Click here.
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