In the film “Dil Chahta Hain”, the song “Tanhaee” (“My Loneliness”) marks the culmination of Aakash’s (Aamir Khan’s) journey – his self-denial about what he truly wants is now coming to an end, and his deep loneliness (conveyed searingly in the visuals and instrumentation!) will lead him to some questions and the answer we have (and he has) been waiting for.
Loneliness is usually seen as a negative emotion, something to be avoided at all costs. But isn’t it natural to feel lonely? For a world plagued by a two-year pandemic and a series of lockdown-induced isolations, this question is more pertinent than ever before. To be sure, being lonely all the time is not a good thing. It can be a sign of a deeper malaise, something to be addressed at all costs. Yes. It can be trying at times. It is not an easy thing to face, especially when not self-imposed. But isn’t it alright to be lonely in some phase in your life? Isn’t it as natural as tears or hunger or empathy? Some loneliness will go a long way to help you find what you truly want. Aubrey Menen called this, I think, ‘the space within the heart’ in his novel of the same name. (I hasten to add that being alone is not the same as being lonely; many people are lonely but not alone – just look at corporate workspaces.
“I hope you will never be lonely” is usually said in a hopeful tone, as some sort of pick-me-up. Loneliness is usually seen as a sad phase, one that must be avoided at all costs. (“Hey, are you lonely? Why don’t you join the party at Sheena’s place tonight?”). But the positive side of loneliness is often overlooked. Loneliness, say researchers, allows you to recharge your batteries (after all, everyone recharges when they sleep); it can be a signal that you have been over-socializing, that you need time to withdraw within yourself; it can be a signal that you, too, are human (has anyone criticized you ever for being hungry?) and can lead to greater empathy; it can help you reach out to what you truly want; it can help you avoid burnout; it can help you find something about the world; it can equip you for the long run.
Indeed, in the larger world of art and science, being lonely has led to some astonishing creations. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was a bored (and presumably lonely) ophthalmologist who decided that he had a gift for writing fiction (and we all know what happened after that!); twenty-six year old Albert was lonely in his Patents Office in Geneva when his day dreaming led him to the idea that would become the Theory of Relativity (and for those of us who say Einstein was a misanthrope and socially maladjusted, no, he married twice and had many friendships, including famously with Kurt Godel); Srinivasa Ramanujan, racked by TB, was lonely in his room at Trinity, Cambridge when he discovered some astonishing results in number theory, results that would mark him as one of the 20 great mathematicians of the millennium; and Darwin, sent to the South Sea Islands as some sort of punishment and obviously a lonely lad, discovered something about the process of evolution going back a million years. Then, there’s Van Gogh, Beethoven, Newton, A great deal of loneliness over an extended period of time, can, it seems, create great things. But not all of us need to be great.
In the book ‘All The Lonely People” I have focused often on ordinary people in lonely situations – lonely in their ideas, or their struggle or their anxiety or ambition.
In A Good Night’s Sleep, Bholu is alone in his struggle against rich delinquents and yes, he is lonely. But in his lonely space he reflects on what he has and fights back. Being lonely has allowed him to find inner strength.
Being lonely can also be part of growing up. In Circus, the eight-year-old Rohan believes he has found something about his father, something he will not admit to readily when he realizes the full truth. He is lonely with the thought: Can this be so?, and there are no immediate answers. When Rohan will find out (as we hope he eventually will) he will have understood something more about the grown-up world.
Like I said, being lonely can sometimes also be a pathway to discover truths about the world. The space afforded by loneliness (and I don’t mean physical space) allows one to reprioritize something like “Who am I? What do I really want?” In Cats in the Cradle, Raghu decides that he is better off with feline friends than feminine ones. He has realized the transient nature of his earlier friendships. Unconditional love is something we all desire but few will admit to it.
(Not everyone does well, though, when lonely: Raj, the electrician, decides to get rich quick when lonely and almost comes to grief).
There are others, of course, who triumph: Hemant, all of 75 years old and a widower, and lonely in his sepia-tinted memories who will do something that may shock his middle-class family; Avinash, the introverted statistician who discovers that his true calling is not mathematics, but a culture and a city; Mrs. Borwankar, the greying widow who will make her betrayal a spur to drive away her fears; and Vishnu, the Hindustani classical singer who grows up lonely in his fierce ambition. Each of them has undergone loneliness to find something about themselves and the world.
The call for seclusion and loneliness is the reason why we sometimes feel the need to pack our bags to ‘get away from it all’ and reflect on oneself, a tad moodily. (hey, but don’t be away for too long, your boss and spouse may get suspicious). Give it a shot.
Take a good look at the next lonely person in the street. There may be more in common with him or her than you would have thought. Now, more than any other time is the time for empathy.
And ask yourself the question: “What did I discover, when lonely during the pandemic years?”. The answer may come as a pleasant surprise.
Sudarshan Shidore is a data scientist and psychometrician by profession who chose to study mathematics at IIT Delhi and marketing at IIM Ahmedabad, but never gave up his love for all things literary. Sudarshan's book, All The Lonely People is available as mentioned below.
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