Acceptance does not mean passively surrendering to what has happened and not doing anything. It is in fact, quite the opposite. It is saying, ‘What has happened, has happened, now what can be done.’ No concrete action is possible without this basic acceptance.
This is an idea that we are hearing a lot nowadays. But little is said about how it can be accomplished. When our plans crumble, when relationships get complicated, when people around behave unfairly, we can feel a tremendous resistance. Acceptance can seem like the last thing we can do! Is it really the right approach and if yes, how can it be achieved?
Such questions come up often. So, I present here an approach to deal with this. I will show you how to understand acceptance in a deeper way and exercise it when needed.
Let us begin with some terminology. We call all the thoughts that have occurred or can occur in our mind as the ‘Thought Space’. Like the space of the universe that holds all heavenly bodies, our ‘Thought Space’ holds all our thoughts. Now, this Thought Space can be divided into two zones.
The first is called the ‘Circumstance Zone’. As the name suggests, the thoughts here are about various circumstances. They include the memories of what happened. Someone said something mean, you had been on this great vacation, you struggled with some problems at work and so on.
They also include your analysis of these memories when you think about what else could have happened. If only she had shut up in the meeting, if only I had taken the taxi instead of the metro, if only I inherited better genes from my parents….
It also includes wishful thinking about circumstances in the future. If I become a superstar, when I become a millionaire, if I can marry that actress....
The second zone is called the ‘Action Zone’. Unlike the Circumstance Zone, the thoughts here are all about steps you can realistically take in the near future to improve your life.
‘As I have an early start tomorrow, let me set up an alarm to be up on time’, ‘I can call this person to help me with this issue, as he is an expert in the area’, ‘understanding this technology will help my career, so let me enrol for this online course’, ‘there is a mosquito on my arm, let me swat it….’
What I have told you so far can be summarised this way: Thought Space = Circumstance Zone + Action Zone
Both the zones have their value. Analysis in the Circumstance Zone can help us act better in future. But all concrete actions that lead to our growth and betterment stem from the Action Zone.
If you have followed so far, we are now ready to understand and exercise acceptance in a deeper way.
When faced with problems or caught in adverse situations, what tends to happen is that our mind gets trapped in the Circumstance Zone. We keep recollecting what happened, how things could have been done, and how that could have led to a different future.
Whatever our situation, there are always some actions we can take to make things better. If you fell in a ditch you can climb out and wash yourself. If your friends are not being nice to you, maybe you can make new friends. If you feel stuck in your career, maybe you can learn a new skill to advance.
These steps may seem simple when we look at them like this, but people often do not take them. This is because, these positive actions lie in the domain of Action Zone.
Now, the first step to address this situation is to recognise this. Observe each thought that comes to you and ask which zone it is in. It may happen that most of them are in the Circumstance Zone. This knowledge itself puts you at an advantage. ‘My mind is now making circles in the Circumstance Zone, but if I come to the Action Zone, I will get many ideas to address the situation.’ This, by itself, will make you calmer. And this recognition and readiness to change that comes with it, is what the different gurus term as ‘acceptance’.
Next, you need to switch. For this, you can use a tool called the ‘Action Question’. Here is an example: bring up all that happened and ask, lucidly and with all sincerity, ‘Given this, what can I do to become happier?’
The goal of this question is not to find a permanent solution for all the problems, but seek out small steps that you can take immediately to make progress. ‘What are the three things I can do in the next 24 hours, that can put me in a slightly better situation?’ is another way to frame the Action Question. It is said that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. The Action Question is asked to find that step. It is also about making a commitment to yourself that going forward you will aim to stay in the Action Zone without falling back into the Circumstance Zone.
But this need not be so straightforward. Our mind has a mind of its own, and you will often find it wandering back. There is a perverse joy in mulling over the past and in cribbing and complaining. This is not a problem, it happens to everybody, so don’t be harsh on yourself. Gently, yet surely, bring it back to the Action Zone. And keep doing this whenever the mind slips. As time passes, the actions that you are taking will capture your attention and you will be able to stay with them effortlessly.
There is a scene in Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir, ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, where the author is sobbing in the bathroom floor at 3 am, because her relationship with her husband of six years is totally messed up. ‘I equal parts loved him and could not stand him,' she writes. And on the bathroom floor, praying to God, she asks, ‘I need an answer. Please, tell me what to do?'
Note how this is an Action Question, unlike, ‘Why is this happening to me?’ ‘What did I do to get here?’ ‘Why should life be so hard?’ Such questions keep you tied to the Circumstance Zone. Elizabeth clearly asks for an answer and that is what she gets. In the form of her own inner voice, God gives the most unexpected answer. He simply says, ‘Go back to bed, Liz.’
Let us hear Elizabeth’s own take on this reply. ‘I would not have accepted any other answer. I would not have trusted a great booming voice that said either: You Must Divorce Your Husband! or You Must Not Divorce Your Husband! Because that's not true wisdom. True wisdom gives the only possible answer at any given moment, and that night, going back to bed was the only possible answer. Go back to bed, said this omniscient interior voice because you don't need to know the final answer right now, at three o’clock in the morning on a Thursday in November. Go back to bed, because I love you. Go back to bed, because the only thing you need to do for now is get some rest and take good care of yourself until you do know the answer. Go back to bed so that, when the tempest comes, you’ll be strong enough to deal with it. And the tempest is coming, dear one. Very soon. But not tonight. Therefore: Go back to bed, Liz.’
Through this small step in the right direction, her great journey of growth unfolds. In the same way, however messed up our life may seem, there are small steps we too can take. And they will slowly, yet unfailingly, move us towards happiness.
These three points can make sure we take those steps. The first is recognition: classify your thoughts and make note if your mind is trapped in the Circumstance Zone. The second is to switch. Ask the Action Question and move to the Action Zone. You can use one of the questions here, or if you prefer, make up your own. The third step is sustenance: keep repeating the first two steps until you can remain in the Action Zone effortlessly. Once you get used to this approach, the challenges in life will never be able to derail you and you will always stay on track to find happiness.
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