THE AWARD

Loud ringtone of the mobile woke Animesh up around 9 o’clock. He has always been an early riser. But drinks and wild and lustful copulation with Kamalika of last night made him exhausted. Bidisha was on the other side of the call, “People wait for such a morning Animesh.”

In a sleepy voice he asked, “Who is this?”

“It’s me, Bidisha, you moron. Are you screwing that bitch all night or what? Look at your watch.”

“Come on Bidisha, I am just waking up and not in mood of riddles.”

“You have done it again, Animesh, for the third time. Juries have selected “Seemar Majhe” for Swarnakamal.”

“What?” The message was delightful enough to awake him up completely.

“Another feather in your crown, buddy. Indian cinema will always be grateful to you.”

“Don’t embarrass. There are many like me.”

“But not all can create timeless pieces like you. However, Directorate will inform you officially.”

“What about press?” Animesh asked.

“That’s why I woke you up.”

Animesh smiled in himself but remained silent.

“Well Animesh,” Bidisha said, “I have to go now. You go back to your bitch.” With her inimitable

laughter Bidisha disconnected the call.

Animesh Bose, one of the most prominent and respected and talented film directors, had started his career in films twenty three years back as a script writer at the age of only twenty two. In the backdrop of nineties, that was unusually young age for entering the industry as a script writer. His film-producer turned politician father had paved the path for him. Then, by dint of his hard work and through vicissitudes he has come a long way. He made his first film at the age of thirty eight, after spending fifteen years in the industry as script writer and assistant director. All his movies have praised and appraised by both eminent critics and audience. Seemar Majhe [Within boundaries], his seventh film has brought him the third national award.

He was lost somewhere in between those years when Kamalika asked in a sleepy voice, “Who was it?”

He lay down and wrapped her in his arms, “The third.”

“Is it? I knew, right? I was so sure of it.”

Animesh kissed her and smiled, “Now I can aim for an Academy, can’t I?”

“Of course you can and you will.”

“Lady Luck!”

“Yes! You never had shortage of ladies.”

“Are you trying to get on my nerves? You won’t be spared for this.”

He bit her. She cried a pampered scream. He again bit, she again screamed. Biting and screaming turned into ultimate morning pleasure.

Calls from press started coming later that day. The news was on the air that very day and in papers on the next. Relatives and friends and acquaintances kept irritating him with calls and visits with bouquets for next few days. To be ahead in the race, Information and Cultural Ministry of the State Government hosted an informal reception.

Animesh was alone in his apartment in the morning of the informal governmental reception when he received a call from his wife Anushuwa, “Hello! Congratulations!”

Few seconds passed before he replied, “Thank you. How are you two doing?”

“Either you didn’t recognise my voice or the call is unexpected. Which one is it?”

“You didn’t answer me.”

“Neither did you.”

“I was in between something.”

“We are too distant to hide behind lies. Aren’t we?

“You didn’t answer me, Anu.”

“Do you really care, Animesh? Do we at all exist in your life?”

“She is my daughter, Anu. You cannot take her away from me.”

“No, she is not. Paternity can’t be claimed only by the right of semen.”

“You have taken her away from me.”

“Yes! If that cleanses the filth of your failure then yes I did that.”

Listening to his silence for moments she said, “Spoiling your morning was last of my intentions. But this is what impiety begets. However, congratulation once again for your undeniable professional success.”

She disconnected the call.

Daughter of Vice Chancellor of one of the most prominent universities of the state, Anushuwa was always a class apart. With a brilliant academic background of and by herself she was an established professional by the age of twenty nine when he met her for the first time around eighteen years ago. Her intelligence and intellect graced by beauty had enamoured and duly drew him towards her. Blinded by usual and initial infatuation he couldn’t discover the uprightness and austerity in her. Initial years of their marriage, six or seven of those, went by in adaptation. By the end of sixth year they had their daughter. As grew their daughter so grew their frictions. A line had to be drawn and was drawn. Anushuwa was declared the custodian of the child by the court of law with the decree in favour of Animesh for meeting his daughter with prior approval from the custodian.

The felicitation function was graced by all the distinguished intellectual sycophants of the leader of the ruling party. It was during receiving the memento from the Honourable Chief Minister of the state, when he heard the laugh for the first time. Someone laughed inside him. The sound of the laughter was very clear. Again in the dinner after the ceremony he heard the laughter for second time. It was so clear that he thought others might have heard it too. He looked at the people around him but nobody seemed to hear. Discomfort grew in him. On the way to his home, observing his silence, Kamalika asked, “What is it?”

“What is what?”

“You are being so silent.”

“Nothing. Just thinking about a new script.” He smiled and lied consciously. She was relieved.

AN AUDIT

Reaching home around quarter to 1 A.M. Kamalika retired to bed. Animesh didn’t feel like to sleep for his discomfort was becoming unendurable as he had heard the laughter few more times on his way to home. He made a large peg of his favourite “The singleton” with couple of ice cubes and settles himself on his favourite couch in the drawing room. No sooner than his first sip he felt a pain in entire body, though mild. He ignored but that happened with second sip also and gradually grew without any interval. Putting the glass down he stood up restlessly when the pain reached its peak. He tried to call Kamalika but in vain. No sound came out of his mouth. As he recoiled in such unbearable pain a being looking exactly like him came out from within him and stretched itself in great comfort. Then he looked at Animesh, “Oh! I am so very sorry for the discomfort and pain. I truly am. But you know I have endured this discomfort for more than four and half decades now. Isn’t it?”

Animesh was too perplexed to talk. Was he dreaming? Was he too drunk? He was at a loss of his senses. After moments of silence he somehow managed to ask, “Who are you?”

The being settled himself in the favourite couch, “I haven’t heard anything more stupid than this in my lifetime.”

Observing Animesh’s silence and disbelief he said very resolutely, “I am you.”

“Me?”

“Of course. Who else could I be? I came out from your very self. Didn’t I?”

Animesh was still too hypnotic to utter a word.

“Don’t keep standing like a lamppost. Have a seat.”

Bewitched Animesh took another couch.

“So, shall we talk? As I see you have no indication to go to sleep,” the being took a pause, “you know I have waited too long to speak.”

Animesh asked, “How is this possible?”

“How what is possible?” The being asked in reply and in a moment realising the question he said, “Is manifestation impossible?”

“No, but, you know….”

“Ah! You are wondering about what to call me. Well, I have many names in many languages. Soul, consciousness, inner being, conscience and so on.”

“It was you then who was laughing.” Animesh was gradually composing himself.

“Of course. Now you are coming to your senses.”

“Why?”

“Are you really asking me this, when you already know the answers? Don’t you?”

“No, I don’t.”

“No, no, no. You know, because I know.”

“Look, whoever you are, this is so mystical. Either I am totally in my drink or having some kind of hallucination. You might have broken in my apartment or I am being totally nonsense.”

“What about the laughter you heard? What about the pain you felt?”

“The laughter can be an illusion. And pain can be caused by so many reasons.”

“And what about now that you are talking to me?”

“I have already said about that.” Animesh paused for a moment, “I think I must call the police.”

The being laughed mildly, “Go ahead, if you must.”

Animesh at the end of his wit watched that his entire drawing room morphed into a film studio as he reached for his mobile.

“Wha…. What just happened?”

“It’s better to talk here than in that smothery drawing room.”

“How can these all be possible? Have I gone totally insane?”

“On the contrary I think you are far from it.”

The being walked towards the zone where chairs were kept and Animesh followed him like a

puppet. Animesh asked the same question again, “How can this happen?”

“Well, tell me, haven’t you given the speech for receiving the Academy for Best Director? I mean in your thoughts or dreams or whatever. It’s like that. Imagination magnified by your ambition.”

“But why here?”

“Because you feel more comfortable in studios than in home. You have claimed this in innumerable interviews. Haven’t you?”

Animesh agreed, “Yes I have. But if you are who you claim to be, what brings you out all at once?”

“Not at all once. Not at all. I have tried every now and then to talk to you from within, but was not fortunate enough to draw your attention.”

“That’s not correct, I suppose. I have never done anything against what I didn’t feel inside.”

“You are confusing me with your will. Will wanders at the surface but I dwell further deep down, at the inmost. Will is dependent on circumstances, I am not. Your will leave this stage with you, but I will not.”

“So, you are the soul?”

“Aren’t you listening? I have many names. I am the reason which makes human – unparalleled creation.”

“Will is bred in your womb. Isn’t it?”

“But I set it free no sooner than it is born and observe how it harmonises and later controls your doings.”

“Why don’t you arrest it from wrong doings if that’s what you mean by observing?” Animesh was becoming comfortable talking with him.

“I am not supposed to. It’s the greatest gift of all from life to you. It makes you to stand out from other animals. You can change the course of your and others lives by it, an animal can’t.”

“But I feel you are referring to a subdued conflict.”

“Conflict is one of the essences of life. Human race pushing forward by the course of time. But prosperity is dependent upon coming out of comfort zone, which doesn’t happen without friction, without conflict. You have experienced it from the very moment of your birth. It was not easy for you to leave your mother’s womb.”

“If I am driven by my will and you have no role to play in it, then why this appearance?”

“I have already explained, I have been confined too long. Rather you kept me in that way by ignoring me.”

“Aren’t you contradicting yourself? If I am you then how can I ignore myself? I simply don’t understand.”

“Your ambition, a product of your will, guided by your intelligence and ability has taught you to ignore. I have remained veiled and disdained.”

“For the sake of argument even if I consider whatever you are claiming is nothing but truth, it has caused no harm to anybody.”

“That is not the only reason you can be contented about yourself with. You are amenable to many other aspects too.”

Unnoticeably Animesh was becoming integrated with the contention of the moments, “I know. But what I want you to understand is too simple. I might not have heard you ever, I might have ignored you all through but none of my actions was ever intended to harm anyone.”

“That doesn’t indulge you to pretend yourself as beyond introspection.”

“Introspection is something that happens in and with someone’s own self.”

“That is why I am out here for I was never able to make you listen to me.”

“What have I done to deserve such accusations?”

The being smiled again, “What’s the hurry, my vessel? One sleepless night will not affect you much.”

“That will not, but I will surely become insane if this keep happening for long. I can’t believe I am

talking to a non-existent.”

“What did you just call me?”

“I am sorry if I have offended you, but couldn’t help it.”

“Well then, allow me to take you to a tour.”

“Tour? What kind of tour at these hours?”

Ignoring the question the being asked, “Your autobiography has sold and received well. Isn’t it?”

“That is nothing but fact.”

“Have you been truthful?”

“Entirely and absolutely.”

“Very well,” the being said with a mystic smile, “Let us travel through time then” With his words the film studio again morphed into a big bedroom of an age old house. A maid was cleaning the room. A boy, about fifteen or sixteen, entered the room almost noiselessly and grabbed her breasts from behind. The maid in colourable reluctance said, “What are you doing? If somebody comes?”

“Don’t fuss. Who is there to see?”

“This is not right. This has to stop. Please let me go.” Her plea was anything but genuine.

“I will give you two hundred today. Open the blouse and let me savour.”

“Stop it! Stop it!” Animesh shouted.

The bedroom morphed back to the studio.

Animesh dumped himself in a chair. The being asked, “Where is this chapter in your autobiography Mr. Animesh Bose?”

Animesh gave him a ashamed look, “That was sin. But I was too young to realise. I was carried away in excitation of my immature age.”

“Have your excitation ever alleviated?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t pretend to be so innocent.”

Animesh remained silent. The being asked,

“Don’t you think honesty is a mandate for an artist?”

Animesh silently nodded in agreement and said, “Without honesty no great art can be conceived. It is like a pre-requisite.”

“And what is meant by honesty?”

“It means to be honest to your art. Whatever you create is reflection or representation of your beliefs, thoughts, and practices. You practice what you believe, uncompromisingly. And similarly when you are creating something no matter what, compromising can’t be an option.”

“Can’t agree more. And as they say your movies reflect your uncompromising facet, your truthfulness, and your beliefs.”

“Shall not be in that way? When these come in accord with your imagination and skill a masterpiece is born.”

Then being nodded in understanding, “Then again I think you are a hypocrite neck and crop.”

“Who is not? But I have always tried to embed my beliefs, my thoughts in my work.”

“Women has a major part in your works. Isn’t it?”

“You know it all. Don’t you?”

“Yes, your intense vouching of femininity is undeniable.”

Animesh was about to say something when the being spoke again, “Yet, Anushuwa had to go out of your life. Such a virtuous woman.”

“She was never into the relationship. She always wanted to dominate.”

“She withstood only when her ideologies were at peril. Everyone has that right.”

“Compromises strengthen a relationship.”

“Can’t agree more. But it doesn’t work when ideologies are violated and when the compromising is lopsided.”

“I can’t breathe without movies.”

“That has never been the issue. On the contrary she always encouraged you in every manner possible. She withstood against your time-serving approach, your deceptions.”

“No, no, no…such indictments are anything but just.”

“Well then, let me make you understand more clearly.”

The studio again morphed into an office. Animesh was having a discussion with Information and Cultural minister of the state. The minister was explaining, “Our expectation from you is very simple. You don’t have to be a devoted activist. Just attending couple of significant meetings, that too once in a while. Praise us in media whenever possible.”

“I understand, but…,”

“Please Animesh no more ifs and buts. You know political recommendations that too from the ruling party are of immense value.”

The scene again morphed back.

Animesh said, “It’s not crime to have political ideology. My works can’t be disgraced for such a reason.”

“Indeed! Technical and aesthetical excellence of your movies are incontrovertible. That, of course, glorifies you as a professional but doesn’t vouch for your veracity. Belief and action are very much to be in accord for honesty, without which a work is nothing but fabricated.”

“An artist, a filmmaker can’t deny the time he exists in. We have come out of caves only by moving ahead with time. You have to respond to the calling of it. That makes sense, if you must know. Leading life in accordance with the time and making films can be two parallel dimensions for a film maker, for any artist. Amalgamating these two dimensions not necessarily is a mandate. Nexus is not for a creative mind, tearing it down is. Otherwise there will be no friction in absence of which creativity doesn’t bloom.”

The being asked in quite a pronouncement, “Even if such tearing down of nexus is at expense of someone’s faith and sacrifice?”

“Until and unless you can come out of yourself, nothing great can be created for creating something is far greater than individual weal and woe.”

“Does it hold good when you are the locus of someone’s existence. Who knew nothing but you?”

“I tried to cling on to our relationship. But it was abnegation what I received in lieu.”

“Her abnegation was not unfounded. Your impudent penchant towards women are one of the reasons for such rejection.”

“No one is perfect. Everyone has limitations, dark sides. I am no saint. Besides a nude woman is the foremost and ultimate manifestation of glory of creation. Aesthetic perspective of it is inspiring”

“You are a disgraceful masquerade who has mastered the art of camouflaging lust.” Silence prevailed for few moments till the being spoke again, “What Kamalika is to you? Are you going to marry her?”

“She is not a woman you have a family with. But, tell me, why shall every such relation has to mature in marriage?”

“Not a mandate at all. But using someone for your own satisfaction is a sin. When she will seem monotonous, you will look for another. And you will not make the mistake of marriage again. But what about that little girl?”

“I wanted to build my world around her. But everything turned topsy-turvy.”

“What was your conscious and sincere effort to make all good? You got involved with Kamalika within four months of your divorce. How many times have you pleaded for the little one’s custody after Kamalika entered? You know these don’t sum up.”

“Is there any rule that it has to sum up always? The court would never give me her custody for her age. You know that, everyone knows that. Has she was in my life, it would have been different.”

“If she was in your life she would create a nexus around you. Then how could you have thirst quenched through Kamalika?”

“Look, this is becoming really weird. This conversation is not going anywhere and I am too tired to continue. I need to sleep.”

The being approached towards Animesh and said in a low and husky voice, “Can you escape from yourself? You have, very intelligently, used the tremendous power camera has to tell a lie. You need to stop. Yes, you need to sleep.”

Looking at his clod eyes of the being Animesh tried to ask in anticipation and fear of danger,

“What do you…”

But before the he could finish the studio morphed into his study. The being indicated towards the table and said, “There, in that drawer you have enough sleeping pills for an uninterruptible sleep. Go on, take those.”

Animesh almost shouted at the top of his voice, “What the hell you are talking?” But, in great surprise and fear he felt that he had started walking towards the table. He tried to stop but some imperceptible force kept dragging him.

Reaching the table, like a puppet, he drew the drawer open. He looked at the being with frightened look, “stop this. Stop this. What are you doing? What have I done to you?”

“What have you done to me? Years after years, with your claws of dishonesty, hypocrisy, perfidy you have wounded me too severely to put an end to this. Once I am free I will try to find an appropriate vessel. Now take out those strips.”

Animesh somehow managed to fell on his knees to beg, “Please, I beg you, don’t do this. Have mercy on me. Please, please.”

His cries went in vain. His hands took out the strips. He cried again, “Please, don’t do this.”

A DEATH

On the scheduled date Animesh received third national award. Coming back to hometown from the capital next few days passed by in interviews and felicitations and parties. He remained in the centre of news in all local media.

With time tide of emotions was gravitating gradually. Meanwhile, State Government had honoured him with the chair of advisor to Ministry of Information and Culture. In lieu of such honour he just had to vouch for the establishment in different media and in different occasions.

Many producers from the biggest film industry of the country approached him to direct under their banner. But he turned down each of them for he was not comfortable in making films in other languages than his own.

Anushuwa never called up again. Neither did he.

As in vainly endeavour of bringing back the glory of past disregarding present and future is nothing but foolery, lives moved on. He pleaded to the court of law for allowing him to see his daughter. The court extended conditional allowance. On the other hand, Kamalika had become a habit for him.

Together they were enjoying lives as marriage was not a concern for either.

But, in all those days he didn’t tell anybody about the peculiar experience of that night for he was sure about one thing that nobody would believe him.

The being had dragged Animesh down on his knees for begging. Probably, that was the first time Animesh begged someone in such yearning a manner. Without paying any attention to him, the being took out all the medicines in his own hand and went to Animesh. Animesh tried for the last time, “Please don’t do this. I beg of you. If I have done anything what I shouldn’t have, then I will bear the consequences in this life. There is no aftermath of it. Please don’t kill me.”

The being came closer to him and looked at him in a dead pan and said, “In order to free myself from your vessel I need to do this.” He paused for a moment, “But on a second thought, as you speak of reconciliation, an alternative arrangement can be made. Instead of setting myself free from you I will free yourself from me. Once you are free from me, you will have no burden to bear, no guilt to confess, no lies to make good, no dishonesty to camouflage, no consciousness to sting. You will be beyond and above all these. Your free will, will gain full control. Though it has always been. The only difference will be that there will be no conflict between your free will and yourself. Just remember the days of the reconciliation, when all will come back in magnified a manner.”

The being swallowed all the pills in his hands and said, “Fear no more. Rise on your feet.”

Animesh somehow managed to stand up. The being said, Farewell, my vessel.”

Before losing consciousness Animesh saw that the being transformed into a formless substance and

then evaporated slowly.

He had no idea how long he was unconscious, but when he gained senses he found himself in his favourite couch where he had started drinking. The glass was on the side table by the couch. He took some time to be acclimatised. Then he rushed towards his study, opened the drawer and found all the strips in place. He inspected entire apartment, to find anything unusual, but in vain. He came back to the couch, finished the drink and went to bed. For the first time he didn’t feel like to touch

Kamalika, neither he felt like to sleep. He tried to be calm his mind in expectance that the memory of such a nightmare would be erased from his memory in due course of time and he will live a good life as a quintessential of many others like him and us, forgetting inevitability of reconciliation.