Daughter to the World

~                After demise of her mother, Sneha became depressed with mix feelings of guilt, sadness and frustration. She thought of pouring her thoughts on a paper as a letter to her mother which she knows will never reach to her.

Dearest Mumma,

                 I am not sure where to begin from though I am a woman now with two grown-up children. I miss you a lot, without you I am lost. I feel a part of me missing...my confidence is shattered. I feel like a lone piece breathing without any life. Mumma, why didn't you make me strong? Why did you pamper me to the extent that I became dependent on you? Not that I doubt your parenting, but it is just that it has become impossible for me to manage myself. Mumma, you remember when you left us for a few months in the care of Sarla Aunty while Radhika got operated? I used to miss you a lot. I don't know about Didi and bro. But being overly sensitive, I was angry with you and lonely too for leaving me alone. My loneliness and anger manifested into stubbornness. That anger was not for you alone; it was for God, the whole world and myself. My stubbornness grew into resentment for you. You were burdened with many responsibilities and that frustrated you. It was a situation, time and age gap which created a huge rift between us. Now, as a parent myself, I understand how difficult it was for you. Mumma, there is one secret which I never told you. I didn’t have the courage to tell you because of our differences till I got married. After my marriage, the differences were erased due to our physical distance and separation. Gradually, I too started maturing and got busy with my issues. They all mellowed me to the extent that my resentment vanished and my love for you grew. I know it was easier for you to forget my misbehaviour, which I have realized after becoming a mother myself. Parents are forever forgiving and forgetting and you and Papa were no different. Remember Mumma, there was a servant Hari in our house when I was 7-8 years old. You and Papa use put me under his care. That time you and Papa had no idea about the happenings around the world due to lack of electronic media and awareness. Yeah, I was raped several times by him. My pent-up anger was because I could never speak up about what was happening to me. I was too shy and ignorant. I remember whenever I was raped, I cried and cried alone in silence. There was a feeling of hatred, anger, resentment, loneliness, rebellion heightening in me. Nowhere was a feeling of happiness or joy of a child within me. In silence I grew. I played, laughed, talked; did all what others wanted, what Didi and other girls were doing. I feel dreadful when I am alone, when I am in a crowd, when I am sleeping; these I am engulfed with anxiety and panic attacks. I cried to you and Papa, you took me to a doctor and he prescribed sleeping pills. Unfortunately, at a very small age I was on sleeping pills. My misfortunes did not stop there. After Di's marriage, I became more lonely and depressed. At times I use to get suicidal thoughts. And whenever I got panic attacks, I used to pray and pray till I felt normal. I suffered these attacks multiple times, for days and nights. Mumma, you remember taking me to Papa's friend who was an astrologer and that tantrik who used to read mantras and told you that I was entrapped by bad energy. After enduring all this, I was ready to speak up but you never asked. We both were unaware of the consequences of rape. What a girl goes through when she is raped, the feeling of being unsafe in her own home, and unable to disclose her pain to anyone. Her pain, her guilt that she committed a sin because that is what she is made to believe. This thought brought guilt in me, I prayed and prayed with fear for my sin to be washed and on the other side hating Hari for making me suffer for no fault of mine. I know Mumma you did this to tie a safety belt around me with no knowledge that this safety belt became the reason of my anxiety, panic attacks, insecurity, guilt, and self hatred. Not once did I feel that Hari was a criminal, a pervert and ought to be punished. I don't know in all this whom should I blame – my destiny, your parenting, the world or God. I know that perhaps because of my prayers I survived. I grew up, got married, had two beautiful children. After suffering so much, I am now determined to protect my children from such pain. Both my children grew up with equality of gender and I was vigilant and kept my communication channel open with them, discussion their crushes and issues. They treat me as a friend. I tell them to teach me what I don't know and they discuss the smallest details and happenings with me. I have taught my daughter to be aware, to look and learn from the world around. I taught her karate for protection. I taught my son to respect girls always. I told him that he is a man; a social animal and not an animal who is not able to control his desires. I have made my children strong enough to fight and speak up for right and wrong.

No Mumma, I have no grudge at all. I have learnt to handle situations and now with my awareness and meditation I am able to overcome my anxieties and panic disorders. I have learnt a lesson to handle my children from my life experience. Thanks again, Mumma! I am sure this letter will not reach to you but I will make sure it reaches to the world and people know what it is to be a rape victim; what harm seemingly trustworthy men can do. How children must be raised and how important it is to take children into confidence. Previously it was ignorance and now it is the Internet, full-time jobs and social networking which are the reasons behind lack of communication between parents and children. Parents must be less busy with their mobiles and social networking and give more time to their children. Sit with them, talk to them, ask questions which will force them to answer. In this way we can stay closer to our children.

Your loving daughter,

Sneha.