Almost Serendipity

“Love breaks my bones & I laugh” 

- Charles Bukowski

This world works in mysterious and funny ways. You feel you will never love again and vow not to, but then this cruel world decides to introduce another so-called soulmate into your life. In the beginning, you do anything and everything to deny the fact that you are developing any kind of affection for them. But pleasant encounters & time break you eventually. None can withstand these divine forces, can they?

He drove silently with her sitting next to him, the tense, gloomy weather outside similar to the atmosphere in the car. She was clueless about all the emotions he was experiencing at the moment. “Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” played on the music system as they slowly danced to it in his imagination. It was his worst enemy & most valuable friend, his imagination. It would sometimes help him succeed but sometimes it would tear him apart into pieces. It could neither be trusted nor controlled, just like this heartless world. At the time it was tearing him apart, limb by limb. They were in a large ballroom, with chandeliers hanging from the triple-heightened ceiling refracting a dim warm yellow light. The interior was wooden, almost chocolatey. She wore a black gown with white evening gloves with a diamond necklace around her neck. Her hair was tied in an untidy bun & she was barefoot, perfectly imperfectly, divinity in human form. He wore an all-black tuxedo, his hair slicked back with pomade, his beard neatly trimmed. He normally wore his glasses but not while dancing with her; he didn't need them when his whole world was in front of him, staring right back into his eyes. With any other girl, he would do anything to end the silence but she was the one person with whom silence was possible. In fact, with her, existence wasn’t only tolerable, living seemed possible. 

The day had been difficult for both of them. They had been looking forward to this evening but it didn't go as they hoped it would. He was excited to meet her after almost a month while she was excited to finally spend an evening not stuck at the office looking at a screen for hours. Expectations from the evening had let them both down. But that wasn’t the worst part.  He was upset that she spent more time with other heartless idiots swarming around her like bees near a blooming flower. On the other hand, she was upset because he was being distinct. She knew something was bothering him yet he wouldn’t tell her. Not knowing something annoyed her more than anything in the world. It scared her when he would become silent, it meant he was trying his best to control his emotions, something he struggles with. Somehow she mustered the courage to speak first.

“Can you please tell me what’s the matter?”

“Nothing.” he muttered with a sigh. 

“I know something is bothering you, instead of keeping it to yourself, can you just tell me what’s bothering you?” she asked, hoping to convince him.

He was never able to keep anything from her, it was impossible. With her, he had a bond so pure that he couldn’t contain his emotions. Luckily she wasn’t that good at reading emotions, or she would have found out about how he felt for her. 

“I was looking forward to seeing you after a month but you were too busy I guess.” he finally said. 

“What else am I supposed to do at a party other than socializing?!” she couldn’t believe what he was saying. 

He took a deep breath & pushed his emotions to the deepest parts of his mind. That was what he had learned in his childhood, tolerating everything, taking the blame for everything; he was good at it too. But inertia doesn’t exist in practical life, this time external forces wouldn’t let him shut them off. 

“Can you for once, instead of shutting yourself off, tell me what is going on! Can you for once please share with me what is bothering you!” she exclaimed. He could feel the desperation in her voice. He knew what it was like, not knowing something regardless of what one did, curiosity was a bitch like that.  

It was difficult to express to others how he felt, he wasn’t good with words. But somehow he mustered the courage to at least try.

“I’ve missed you a lot. We hadn’t spoken properly for a while now & I didn’t want to bother you as you have had a lot on your plate. But I was hoping we could spend some time tonight like we used to.”

“I did spend time with you today! We attend the party together for the love of God!” 

“NO! YOU attended a party! YOU enjoyed yourself with others while I stood in the corner looking at every ASSHOLE trying to make a move on you!” he shouted. He was good at controlling his anger, he rarely raised his voice in front of others, and he hated it. He felt like everyone saw him for the monster he saw himself as.

They had reached her apartment, an old five-story building facing the sea. Under normal circumstances, he would have loved the area but at the moment he just wanted to leave. 

“Why does it bother you so much? Why are you jealous of them? Why is it that every time we go to a party you are in a bad mood? Why can’t you just enjoy yourself instead of being worried about me?” she retaliated in return.

“Because I am in love with you!” he shouted shakingly. “I’m HOPELESSLY & HELPLESSLY in love with you & I can’t control it! You are EVERYTHING to me! Is this answer acceptable to you?” 

For a second, neither said a single word. She tried to process what he had just said while he tried to process the fact that he had finally told her how he felt. They just stared at each other with confused expressions. He was drowning in emotions. His eyes were wide & unblinking; his face red & his chest pumping with adrenaline. She stared at him in disbelief. The tension in the car was at its peak, unbearable for them both. 

Finally, he broke eye contact & looked at the dark empty road ahead. His hands tightly gripped the steering wheel to stop his hands from shaking. “I think you should leave…” he said, his voice shattering like glass as he struggled to finish the sentence he thought he would never have to say. She got out of the car & stormed off into the building, her vision blurred by pearls of her priceless tears.

He couldn’t believe he had just confessed how he felt about her. But it was the truth, the only truth in this world filled with lies & deception. The way he felt about her, the emotions he felt for her were purer than salt. Every time he was alone with her he wanted to tell her everything, show her the parts of him darker than the hidden side of the moon. His mind couldn't stop him because his heart had the feeling that she would understand as she was just the same. She made him come out of his shell, something he had never experienced & something she was always good at. She knew that too. They both knew that she understood him better than anyone else. This made him feel comfortable yet scared. He hated and loved it. it was like feeling pain and pleasure together. It made him want to stop yet continue at this same time. With her, he felt humanity in its purest form, the one which drove most insane. In a way, they were the perfect fit, opposite yet similar to one another. She was the simplicity to his complexity; the rest to his unrest; the control to his chaos. Together they created the ultimate balance; the solution to the singularity; the golden ratio. Together they could even quantify infinity.

Too shocked to process what had just happened, he sat there in the driver's seat, staring into oblivion as he began to realise that it might all have ended. He might have lost the most amazing thing that ever happened to him, that would ever happen to him. In just minutes his whole world had turned upside down, he went from feeling too much to nothing at all. 

‘Idiot! Why did you have to confess? She was better off not knowing!’  he thought to himself as he pulled out of the driveway. Tearing up, he decided to keep driving into the night instead of going back home to his cold & empty bed. He knew that if he went home he’d lose his sanity, his demons would take over & he’d become the monster he was three years ago, the side of him he was desperately running away from. Driving was usually his meditation, it calmed him down, and the control made him feel safe. Whenever he’d have a bad day at work, he’d go for a drive alone, listening to his songs & his thoughts. It puts him in a state of trance, not knowing where he is going, not caring about what’s coming next. But not this night, it was next to impossible to enjoy anything at that moment. He might have just lost his only chance for heaven on earth, his opportunity for serenity. 

‘Fuck this shit! I’m going back!’ he said to himself. Taking a sudden U-turn, he sped towards the same building where she got off with tears in her eyes. He didn’t know what he was going to say or do when he reached, he just knew he couldn’t leave things the way they were. His heart was pounding heavily as he tried to process what he was going to do. His fight or flight response was ticking like crazy; usually, he’d choose the latter, but not today, not now. He reached the building, parked the car in the empty spot next to the gate & walked briskly towards the lift. Luckily the lift was on the ground floor, he squeezed through the automatic doors while they were still opening. He smashed the “5” button, tapping his feet impatiently. He felt as if his heart was about to leap out of his chest while the elevator shot up. He would either finally get into paradise or end up flying too close to the sun & fall to his demise. But he had to take the chance, he had to at least try. 

The elevator dinged as the doors opened up. He walked up to her apartment door not knowing what he was going to do next.