Right It was getting late enough to be worried. Once again I stepped into the balcony and looked down. Except for a drenched street dog that was lying down miserably near the gate, there was not a soul to be seen anywhere. Rainwater had puddled under the lamp post. A breeze ruffled the mango tree in the courtyard and a few twigs broke away and fell down. Thunder rumbled in the distance. Did I hear a soft knock at the door? I turned back....   

It was our watchman who came to hand over a courier to me. He was puzzled to see the obvious disappointment. I couldn’t help it, I was not in a mood to please anyone. I couldn’t, even if I tried to, not today. My dog, Bravo, sensed the tension in the air. He had been lying in a corner quietly, for the most part of the day, watching me walk incessantly down the hall. This was so unlike him. On a normal day, he would follow me everywhere.

It had been four hours that she was gone, shouldn’t she be back by now? She did not care to tell me where she was going. How do I know how long this wait is going to be? Or did she try to, and I was not ready for it? But how can she expect me to be ready for something so unreasonable? We have been together for so long, through ups and downs. We were there for each other, all the time. We were picture-perfect, a couple made for each other…. Until yesterday, there was not a single day, not a single moment when I had any doubts about us being a perfect twosome.

But everything changed, in a flash my world crashed in front of my very eyes. How could she do this to me? Was I living a lie, a fake happily married life? It was just yesterday, that I was planning on a special surprise vacation for our tenth marriage anniversary, just the way she would love. She adored the quiet islands, white serene sandy beaches, the sound of waves, and the blue ocean. I knew her so well, or so I thought…

She just walked in, looking gorgeous in her sky-blue tunic. I quickly moved my laptop away, hiding the pictures of holiday destinations I was browsing. While opening her wardrobe, she announced in a cold hesitant tone, 'I am going to meet Arnab tomorrow.'

I tightened my fist, slammed my laptop and walked away. How could she?

Arnab was some handsome brat she was in love with during her college days. He was the same guy who left her so heartbroken, that she thought of suicide. She mentioned this to me in one of our arranged meetings. I knew Savi loved him then, but we never spoke about it. It was painful for her to be rejected by a guy, and I did not want her to go through the pain by retelling it to me. Her past never popped up again in our lives. Why would it? We were so content and busy in our lives, nothing else mattered.

But the ghosts of the pasts seemed to have made their way between us. She allowed it, and oh so casually mentioned it to me! It was so avoidable, why would she need to meet a guy who never loved her back. Why would anyone risk one’s happy life for, someone who shouldn’t matter... Or maybe, she never got over him. Just a phone call from him, and she walked away!

Screeching sound of brakes brought me back, Bravo still staring at me. I rushed to the balcony. A motorbike stopped in front of the gate, applying the brakes at the last moment, it seems. A teenage girl got off the bike, drenched. They kissed goodbye, their wet lips locked for a long time, raindrops still falling on her lips.

Why am I fumed at this? No, I do not want to think about it. I should not be thinking about them at all. She doesn’t even have the courtesy to call. It’s dark, I got up to switch on the lights and checked the time, it was 8 pm already. Oh God has it been that long! A migraine is making my head heavier. Ah! I have not eaten for the whole day. And then it strikes me, Bravo has not eaten, too. I hurried to the kitchen and looked at the casseroles for breakfast and lunch, carefully arranged on the platform. Oh yeah, like you really cared! Bravo is now quietly eating his supper.

I rest on the bed, closing my eyes only for a moment. A cocktail of anger and fear do not allow me any sleep. Why hasn’t she called yet? This endless wait is killing me. I finally give up, and dial her number only to be answered by a recorded message, 'The number you are trying to call has been switched off'. A sudden fear soared, I panicked, what if she is unsafe. Has he abducted her, or is she in some kind of an unimaginable danger? I needed to find out, but, how could I? I don’t even know where she is or what is the last name of Arnab?

Oh God, I did not even care to ask, whom do I call now? I cannot call her mom, she will be anxious even if she gets the slightest hint of Savi being unsafe. I can call up the police, but what am I going to tell them? She left me for her old flame, about whose whereabouts I know nothing. Oh, I should have listened to her, she was trying to call me the whole night. I should not have disconnected her calls.

I see no other option but to call her mom, 'Ma, hello, how are you?'

'Hello beta, I am fine. How come you called, it’s been a long time we haven’t talked?' came the reply.

It is difficult to pretend to be normal and cheerful when you are nervous.

'I just called up to check if Savi has come to your place. I needed to borrow a book from your library.'

What a brilliant, impromptu excuse! For a moment I was proud of myself. There was a silence at the other end for a long time, or maybe it appeared too long to me.

'Beta, when did you start reading Bengali books? You hardly understand the language, but good that you care for it. Which book would you like to borrow?'

And my brilliant excuse was not so brilliant after all. What do I ask her now? I could not think of another excuse, or for that matter any name of Bengali books or authors.

'Ma, is Savi there?'

'No, she is not here.'

'Did she visit you today?'

'No, but why are you asking? Is she not home? Don’t you know where she is?' she was growing suspicious now.

I tried to keep myself as composed as possible, making up another lie. 'No, she said she is meeting a friend today. I thought she may visit you, too.'

'Who is she meeting?' came the question.

'Arnab,' I said cautiously, not knowing if she was aware of his relevance in Savi’s life.

'I don’t recollect any of her friend with that name, maybe someone from her office. Call her, she should not be out in these rains.' her tone was unaffected and generally cautionary, the name didn't mean anything to her.

I heaved a sigh as I disconnected the call.

I started to look for clues, to find a way to reach her. I couldn't involve anyone else. I had to do this on my own. I searched her wardrobe frantically, trying to look for a paper with a phone number, or a diary where she might have scribbled her thoughts. I scanned through everything, her clothes, her books, her cosmetics, jewelry, everything. There wasn’t a hint of anything that could help me advance.

I collapsed on the bed, helpless. I needed to go to the police station. It’s been 12 hrs now. The rain hasn’t stopped either, and it is dark too. I had to do something before it’s too late. I was not ready for the humiliation, though. The police was going to grill me with uncomfortable questions. I mentally beratec Savi again, why did you have to do this? You have no courtesy to call or just send a message. Ten years of togetherness, and this is what I get.

No, I know you well. You wouldn’t do this to me. You loved me, you cared for me. You have always been with me. You stood with me like a rock through the testing times. I must trust you completely. There has to be a reason for this, and I have to find out. Whatever it takes, I need to know if you are safe. Even if you are with another man, I want you to be safe. I cannot just let you go like this.

With a heavy heart, I picked up my mobile to call the police station.

'Hello, police station?'

Right then, I hear the door creaking, Savi stood there, dripping wet. I disconnected the call. Bravo ran to hug her, while I watched. Only if we knew how to love unconditionally like dogs. He didn’t care if she was gone, he was just happy that she is back. Could I be like him? Yes, I was like him a moment back, when I thought I had lost her. Now that she is back, I am staring at her from a distance, waiting for an explanation. No, I do not need your explanation, I just need you. I walked to her and hugged her, soaking myself.

'I lost him again.' She sobbed inconsolably and hugged me back tight.

I cupped her face in my palms, 'What happened?'

'He breathed his last today.' She handed a letter to me.

It was a handwritten letter, from Arnab. He confessed to her that she was after all the love of his life. But he deliberately acted like he didn’t care because he had a hole in the heart, and he knew he won’t live too long. So, he never expressed his love and tried to keep himself far away from her. But when the end was near, it was his last wish to see her, just one last time. There was a small gift box with the letter, still wrapped.

'Sorry, I did not know.' I offered in apology to her as well as in explanation to my own anger at her actions.

'How would you? I myself didn’t know until today. He called me, and I went there to show him, look how happy I ended up without you. But all that made him so glad. He held my hand and closed his eyes, forever.'

The first love they say is special, always stays with you. But the humiliation of the first rejection too, makes a deep dent, never to recover. All these years of abundant love could not wipe the scars of denial.

She sobbed in my arms for a long time. I never felt this loved before. I was the one whom she loved all the while. I felt embarrassed for my distrust. I understood her pain now, the pain of your love walking away from you. We sat in an embrace for a long time.

Savi was not weeping anymore. I looked at the gift box.

'Are you ready to open the gift?

She nodded in negative, 'No. Arnab asked me to hand it over to you.'

I was completely baffled by this, what could the gift possibly be. It’s strange to receive a gift from a man who loved your wife. I unwrapped the gift carefully. It was a diamond ring, with a small note, only if you allow. I smiled, he must have been a special man with a big heart, albeit with a tiny hole, a hole that kept him away from the love of his life.

Savi was shocked and scared to see the ring. I held her hand, sliding the ring on her finger. I told her, 'Remember, you were loved.'