The Final Decision
She sat in the Starbucks cafe, sipping her coffee and staring out of the window. The blood-stained knife lay next to her handbag, covered with her blue silk scarf. Time and again her gaze is drawn towards the scarf that hid her ugly secret which would soon be exposed to the world. To the others in the cafe, she presented a calm demeanour; smiling at the waiter as he placed her cup of coffee on the table; looking irritatingly at her watch as if she was waiting for someone who was late for the appointment. In fact, a raging storm churned within her. She wasn’t waiting for anyone. She was contemplating her previous action and her future course of action. She had to have a clear head to think about what she should do now.
The mountain lodge where the incident had occurred was in the back of beyond with nothing but miles of hills and woods within its vicinity. His cold bloodless body was safe there for the time being. A psychiatrist by profession, it was his habit to take a few days off from his busy schedule to unwind in the lodge all by himself with nothing but a few books for companionship. So he wouldn’t be missed for a few more days. She had time to contemplate her moves.
She could keep quiet about the whole affair hoping that Rahul’s body was never found. Nobody had known about the secluded mountain lodge; so in all probability, Rahul would remain as a missing person. But she would always be living in fear and looking over her back which would again trigger her depression. She could not allow her family to go through the ordeals of dealing with her depression once again, so that option was out of the question for her.
She had ample time to flee the country as Rahul would not be missed for a couple of days more over the weekend. But she could not bear thinking about disappearing from her daughters' lives without offering any explanations. She subtly wiped away a tear that threatened to spill out of the opaque depths of black pools that were her eyes. The huge blunder, she had already committed, had caused enough turmoil in their young lives. She did not want to heap any more confusion and tragedy upon them.
Thinking of her daughters overwhelmed her and she could no longer hold back her tears. She wanted to bawl and yell and scream. But she could not do that. She will not lose her sanity. She would not make a spectacle of herself. She wanted to salvage a certain degree of dignity for her daughters’ sake. Thinking a lot, she finally came to a decision and felt as if a huge load had been removed from her mind. It was a hard decision that would bring on severe consequences, but she knew it was the right one. It will devastate her husband and daughters. But she hoped that they’ll come to understand her in the long run and she hoped that with that understanding they’ll be able to forgive her. She shuddered to think about her husband’s reaction.
She looked past the glass windows with unseeing eyes, her whole life flashing before her like the traffic rushing by in the street beyond. What a mess her life had become. And she had been such a sensible girl during the early stages of her life. Her life changed while she was doing her internship at Grant Medical College, Mumbai. Justin had entered her life and swept her off her feet and along with it all her sensibilities. He was the handsome senior, a skin specialist, whom she was assigned to assist in her final year of college. As their fingers met over an operating table, soft music flowing in from the stereos in the corners, an electrical charge passed between them and all the others in the room disappeared and it was just the two of them. Time seemed to have stood still and it seemed an eternity before they could tear their eyes off each other, prodded by the head nurse handing over a scalpel to Justin and reminding them of the task at hand. A whirlwind campus romance followed resulting in both getting married after six months of courting. Life was bliss after that. She graduated as a doctor and both of them joined the prestigious Seven Hill Hospital in Andheri which also offered them excellent accommodation. Two beautiful daughters arrived in quick succession and became the centre of their existence.
Their ideal life lasted a full 13 years after which their luck ran out. Their 10-year-old elder daughter Shylah fell in a tub of boiling water and sustained third-degree burns on her entire back. Justin’s brilliance and God’s grace saved her but left too many scars on her along with the slightest of crack in their marriage. Being of a young age this did not much affect Shylah mentally, but after the incident, she became a lot quieter and somehow matured beyond her age. Justin, though he never accused Preeti verbally, blamed her for the incident. Preeti was in charge of the children that day. She was preparing Shylah’s bath and had drawn the hot water. Just as she was about to mix the cold water in, her phone sounded and she went to answer the call. While she was busy on the phone Shylah went into the bathroom and tried to get into the tub when she slipped and fell into the boiling water. Her yells brought Preeti running to the bathroom where she found Shylah in a dead faint. Though distraught, Preeti picked up her child and ran to the hospital straight for the burns unit. Justin was summoned and after seeing Shylah’s condition, he did not waste a second. He immediately took Shylah to the Operation Theatre and began the onerous task of saving the life of his precious daughter. His brilliance had paid off. Shylah was safe. But the damage was done. His beautiful daughter would be scarred for life. He won’t ever forgive Preeti. After the operation, he left Shylah in the ICU and went to his chamber without meeting Preeti.
Preeti knew Justin was angry with her when he did not come up to her after the operation to tell her about their daughter’s condition. She was devastated. She had been expecting his compassion, not this! The head nurse brought her the news that Shylah was safe and doing well and she felt relieved. She hoped Justin would be okay after Shylah came home. But her hopes crashed. He withdrew into a shell. He was the same loving father to his daughters. But he turned icily polite towards Preeti. Preeti too held herself responsible for the incident and she could not face her husband. The crack had appeared. As the days passed, Shylah’s scars started healing under the loving care of her father, but the chasm between Justin and Preeti deepened. Preeti wanted to run to Justin and bury herself in his arms and cry her heart out; she wanted to place her heavy head in the soft cushion of his muscled chest and longed for him to stroke her long silken tresses which he had adored ardently, but she dared not go near him and face his icy stare and cold disdain. He became more attached to his daughters and distant towards her. 
Justin became more and more involved in his research and work, earning accolades after accolades in his field. Preeti’s work, on the other hand, suffered as she shrank into a deep abyss of depression so much so that her friends and parents began worrying about her. All their attempts, at making her come out of the shell she had created for herself, failed. They tried to talk to Justin that Preeti needed love and care and most importantly, medical attention, but he turned a deaf ear to their pleadings.
One day, the girls were in school and Justin was at the hospital. Preeti had washed her hair and wound it up in a white towel. Still in her bath-gown, she walked up to the kitchen to brew herself a cup of coffee thinking of sitting out in the terrace and reading the Reader’s Digest. She turned on the gas knob and stopped dead---her mind had gone blank. She stood in front of the gas stove, the pan on the stove and the carton of milk in her hands staring vacantly up at the chimney outlet. She did not know how long she stood there.
Next morning Preeti woke with a splitting headache and groaned thinking that her debilitating migraine had returned. She remembered nothing about the previous night. Dragging herself off her bed with difficulty, she dealt with her morning chores of preparing breakfast and lunch-boxes for the girls and went to their room to wake them up.  She was surprised to find them awake and ready. As soon as they saw her they ran to her and hugged her tightly almost making her lose her balance and sobbed inconsolably. Puzzled, she hugged them back tightly till their tears subsided. Then she gently pushed them back, she sat them down in the bed, wiped off their tears with her hand and asked them why they were crying? Trish could barely speak a word, she was still sobbing. Shylah controlled herself and, through hiccups and occasional sobs, recounted the events of the previous night and was once again racked by huge sobs as she recollected their fear of losing her when they thought that she was going to die. From Shylah Preeti learned that Justin had found her on the kitchen floor in an unconscious state and he had brought her to her room gave her a sedative and left hurriedly for a meeting after informing his mother-in-law of Preeti’s condition and requesting her to come and look after the girls. Her mother informed her that the girls had been distraught with fear for their mother’s life.
Preeti was shocked and horrified, not at Justin because she had learned to expect such callous behaviour from him. She had always excused him while blaming herself for bringing such misery on herself. But, how could she have been such a selfish mother?  She had neglected her children once again. She had safely ensconced herself within a cocoon of remorse and self-pity barely noticing the needs, particularly the emotional needs of her daughters. She had to let go of the past. What had happened could not be undone. She had to move on even if Justin could not. She hugged her daughters tightly and assured them in a strong voice that she was not going to die and would never leave them alone. 
After the girls left for school she called her best friend and colleague, Jiya, and urged her to come over for lunch. Though surprised, Jiya rejoiced at the apparent change in her friend, happy that Preeti had, at last, come out of her cocoon. Jiya found Preeti in an energetic mood and wondered about the change. Over coffee and tuna sandwiches, Preeti told Jiya everything that Shylah had related, saying she had no inkling of any of the events. Preeti sobbed as she lamented on the plight of her two darling daughters and wanted Jiya to help her come out of her depression. Jiya hugged Preeti and said she was happy that Preeti had at least accepted that she was sick. That was already half the problem solved. Now it was just the question of a right doctor and Preeti would be fine in no time. And Jiya just knew of one such doctor.
Jiya called her childhood friend, Dr. Rahul Shah, and told him about Preeti. Dr. Rahul agreed to see her immediately and Jiya drove them over to his chamber in Colaba. After introducing patient and doctor, Jiya excused herself saying she would be in the Crosswords bookstore in Cuffe Parade till they were done. After Jiya left, Dr. Rahul ushered Preeti to his chamber and made her sit in a comfortable settee and sat down beside her. Dr. Rahul came across as a very sensitive person and Preeti found no difficulty in opening up to him. He did not broach on her problem directly. He allowed her to ramble on about her childhood, her school life, about college, Justin, the girls, her work, and slowly walked her towards her present situation. He let Preeti do the talking while he listened attentively holding her hands in a strong and reassuring grasp. The warmth that the doctor exuded reached out to touch her soul and all the pent-up feelings of guilt, hurt and anger came gushing out of her along with a torrent of tears that seemed to cleanse her very soul. All the while, Dr. Rahul sat near her holding her hand and she thrilled at the touch. The first male touch after two years of insufferable loneliness made her weak in the knees and she barely managed to control herself from throwing herself at the doctor and making an utter fool of herself. After hearing her story, the doctor advised her to get back to work and keep herself busy. He did not promise her miracles and immediate freedom from her depression but assured her that they would both work together diligently towards that goal. He prescribed some anti-depressants for her and asked her to call him immediately if she did not feel good. 
After this, they began meeting irregularly, and in his chamber, at first. However, these meetings soon transgressed the boundaries of professionalism and they became lovers. Preeti found refuge in the doctor’s arms and she could forget the pain and humiliation Justin subjected to her each day. Dr. Rahul, recently divorced, found release of his sexual urges with his eager patient. He took her to his secluded lodge overlooking the Ulhas River in the rugged Sahyadri Mountains, around 15 km from Lonavala, for their romantic trysts.
During these trips to Lonavala, Preeti left her daughters in the care of their grandparents. She explained these trips to her daughters and parents as part of her treatment process and they accepted it unsuspectingly, happy that she had once again started living and would soon become her former self. At first, the treatment and romance together did have positive effects and Preeti became her happy jubilant self. All their friends and relatives were genuinely pleased to see the huge change in Preeti. Justin too noticed the change, not only in her attitude but also in her looks. Her already good looks, which he had come to abhor after the accident of their daughter, seemed to have bloomed once again and there was a spring in her steps that made her seem like the Preeti he had fallen in love with during the medical college days. These changes had started to tug at Justin’s heartstrings and he fell in love with Preeti once again. Meanwhile, fate had dealt Justin a hard blow. He lost a patient. A little girl, younger than Shylah had been during her accident and much severely burnt. This time he could not save the girl. He saw the parents holding on to and supporting each other. He realized that he had so much to be thankful for, yet he had held on to his unjustified anger and resentment.
He now clearly saw how wrong he was to hold on to his unjustified anger, that what had happened to his daughter was just an accident, that Preeti loved her daughters more than life itself and had never been an irresponsible mother. Just as the sun shining out of dark clouds vaporises the very clouds that hid it and makes everything light and beautiful, Justin too felt a heavy weight being lifted off his soul and everything seemed as beautiful as it always had been. He determined to atone for his behaviour and seek her forgiveness. Preeti was much surprised when Justin took to coming home early and making it a point to have dinner with Preeti and the girls. She started worrying that maybe he suspected her of having an affair and was coming home early to spy on her. Though they were still not on speaking terms, Preeti noticed that Justin had developed a habit of looking at her candidly when he thought she was not looking at him. When he tried to approach her and talk to her she would deliberately and desperately avoid him. She began worrying that maybe he was looking for signs of infidelity by observing her behaviour.
Then the panic attacks started. And then came the guilt. She felt guilty not only of betraying Justin but also her daughters. She began feeling unworthy. She tried with all her might to keep up a normal appearance for the sake of the girls. She laughed and played and also sat with them to see to their homework. Her whole demeanour changed only after Justin’s arrival. She became a nervous wreck. As soon as the girls went up to their rooms after dinner, she would rush to her room and lock herself in. But as Justin persisted in his efforts to approach Preeti, she began dreading that Justin had come to know of the ugly truth of her affair with Rahul and would soon divorce her and take their daughters away with him. She began dreading that as soon as her daughters knew about the affair they too would hate her. Unable to face her rejection any longer, Justin cornered her in the kitchen one night, before she could retire to her room. As she trembled he took her in his arms and apologised for his brutish behaviour. Said he was ashamed of how selfish he had been looking at his own hurt without feeling the pain she must have gone through. Preeti had turned cold and still, but as his words pierced through her numbed senses and she comprehended what he was saying, she shook violently; sobs racked her entire body and all her feelings of love for him returned in full force. They stood holding each other in a tight embrace for a long time unwilling to let go, lest they once again be separated by forces of destiny. That night they made love with an intensity beyond imagination. Though their relation started getting better, much to the delight of their daughters, there was always the nagging fear at the back of Preeti’s mind. Rahul’s phone calls intensified that fear. She ignored the calls and never called him back.
Rahul, unaware of the latest developments in Preeti’s life began worrying about her well being when she stopped calling him and did not come for any consultations. So he decided to break the rule that he was not supposed to call her and made repeated phone calls, but to no avail. He was perplexed when she ignored his calls. Even Jiya could not assuage his doubts as she was out of Mumbai since the past month and did not know what was happening in Preeti’s life.  
After about a month of uncertainty, during which time Rahul never stopped calling her, Preeti picked up the phone and very tersely asked him to meet her at his mountain lodge. Preeti, whose life was, at last, taking a turn for the better, was unable to handle the stress of hiding her secret in the face of Rahul’s frantic calls. So she decided to meet him, explain the situation about herself and Justin and end the affair.
However, once they met in the lodge, things did not go as she had hoped. Rahul opened the door and drank in the lovely sight of her in a stunning but modest lavender dress, hair tied up in a neat chignon, unlike the other times when her long black hair billowed around her like the whiplash of winds on the coconut leaves. Like always, but this time with bated breath as he was seeing her after two terrible months, he leaned forward to envelop her in a hug but Preeti brushed past him brusquely and headed straight for the kitchen. She had to have a glass of water to wet her parched lips and dry throat. As she drew water from the Aquaguard, Rahul approached from behind, wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her towards him. For a moment she gave in to the sweet sensations of the feel of his arms around her and his breath on her neck. But the next instant she wrenched his hands apart and freed herself from his embrace and turned to face him stonily. She told him about the reconciliation between herself and Justin and how Justin is even more devoted to her than ever before and that she did not want to spoil things between them for the sake of the girls. She declared cruelly, that they had to stop seeing each other and that this was the end of the road for them. She was going to stay happy with Justin and the girls and she implored him to forget about her, move on and never come into her life again.
More than anything else, Rahul’s ego was hit the hardest. He could not let a woman jilt him. So angered was he, that he slapped Preeti across her right cheek making her lose her balance and she staggered backward hitting the counter and her right hand curling around the handle of the meat-knife that was lying on the counter. A mad rage, at being hit for the first time in her life, engulfed her entire being and she brought up the knife with lightning speed and, before Rahul could see it coming towards him, hit him straight upon his chest, the newly sharpened blade slicing through the thin material of his grey shirt, through his pale, hairy skin, narrowly sliding between two bones of the rib cage and finally resting inside the aorta. Rahul stopped in his tracks, a stunned expression on his handsome face as if was trying to grasp what had happened to him and hardly believing that he had been stabbed. A low guttural sound emanated from him and he fell down besides Preeti, dead. Aghast at what she had done, and still unaware that Rahul was dead, Preeti knelt down beside him and yanked out the knife with all her might as if that might save Rahul. She checked for a pulse and found none. A pool of blood was already forming in front of Rahul’s face as blood trickled out of his mouth. Horrified at seeing the blood, Preeti ran out blindly to her car jumped inside it and drove herself away from the scene as fast as she could. After driving for around a mile she was forced to stop when she realized she was crying hard and the tears were blinding her. Feeling something hard touch her left hand she looked down and saw the knife and she flinched. She had been unaware that she had been holding the knife along. She felt an urgent urge for a coffee. She looked at her watch. It was 1.00 pm.; just an hour since she arrived here. But she wanted to be as far away from this place as possible. She wanted to think. She started the car once again and drove back to Mumbai. By the time she reached the outskirts of Mumbai, it was 4 pm and she had somehow managed to bring her emotions under control. But she was not yet ready to go home. She had earlier told Justin that she would be going to the medical facility in Lonavala where she was being treated and would be late coming home. He had agreed to pick up the girls and drop them at their grandparents’ home. So none of them would be expecting her. She stopped at a Starbucks cafe and went in, the knife safely stashed away in her handbag. Finding a secluded spot, she sat down and ordered an Espresso. She had removed the blood-stained knife from her handbag and placed it on the table and covered it with her blue silk scarf. The knife seemed to serve as a reminder that she had actually killed somebody.
By the time she had finished her coffee, she had come to a decision. She took out her iPhone from her handbag and dialled 100.
And then she dialled Justin. In a calm voice she told him, “When I was down in the dumps after Shylah’s accident and you had delivered your judgment and sentence, someone had lifted me out of it and now I have killed the very person who saved me. I have called the police and this time it is the law who will judge me. For the sake of the love we once shared, I have just one request to make which I hope you’ll honour even though you might hate me. Please keep my daughters away from this mess. Take them away someplace else where the muck this is going to raise won’t fall on them and sully them. Don’t make them hate me. Let them understand me and form their own judgment. And believe me when I say I love you. Goodbye.”