The year had begun quite perplexingly. Things took a turn for the worse when we decided we would not see each other again. I did not know if I made the right decision. But now, a month later, as fate would have it, I reluctantly acceded to his request. My head was a whirlwind of thoughts that made me writhe anxiously, as I twiddled my fingers in expectation of his arrival.

I wondered if he would show up at all. He decided to go to office during the latter half of the day, while I bunked college, but snuck out of the house as usual. We had to meet and resolve our differences and abate the monster within me. I had grown to believe that breaking up was the right thing to do, while he assured me it was indeed not.

At five to 8.00 A.M, I saw him emerge from the main road as he sharply turned towards where my car was awkwardly parked. The engine was humming under the bonnet while my heart raced as I’d almost forgotten how he even looked. Rash behaviour and unkind words don’t erase themselves easily. Mine was a conscious effort to forget and move on. His, was to apologise and never let me go.

It was a game my heart and mind played – a game which got the better of me. I cringed as I looked at him smile, and realized how badly things had changed in so little time. He was trying to be himself, while I looked like a nervous ferret that was about to be exterminated.

The previous evening, we both decided that we would drive down to the beach and talk things out till some sort of solution was thrown down to us from above. I didn’t know what to say or how to speak after the heinous incident that took place on New Year’s Eve. We spewed venom at each other and it was raucous. It wasn’t us who were speaking, but rather inflated and enraged egos. So here we were, a month later, in a different city, away from what now seemed a fairly distant past.

We remained quiet as he drove me to the beach, after parking his bike outside a bakery. The streets were bustling in the peak hour traffic, and I was silently praying to remain inconspicuous at the chance encounter of a nosy neighbour, or worse, a relative. He waded his way unceremoniously through impatient buses and auto rickshaws. The cyclists took pride in adding to the confusion as they defied every single traffic rule possible. I glanced nervously about and waited for a more secluded road so that we could get on with our business at hand.

We reached the beach after what seemed eternity and for the first time, I felt horribly uncomfortable being alone with him. It was like being with a stranger in a place that viewed us with hawk-like suspicion. I began to think if this was a grave mistake. We were no love birds basking in the warmth of the early morning sun. We had grown distant. At least, I no longer felt the same way towards him. It was an alarmingly painful realization. And I wanted him to fix everything. I saw him noiselessly open the car door and head out.

He seemed so charming and confident in his formals. After our so-called rendezvous, he was to head back to office. He smiled that familiar smile which used to make my knees go weak. Now, just a month later, I felt nothing. Or rather, forced myself to feel nothing. I was frightened at the prospect of being hurt again.

“Are you okay? It’s just us. And I’m not going to hurt you.” he said. I knew he had read my mind. If there was one person in the world who knew me better than myself, it was him.

“Yeah, I know. That’s the scary bit.” I added weakly.

“We can forget this whole thing if that’s what you really want, Mantra. I haven’t come here in the hope of forcefully dissuading you. I just thought that after last month’s fiasco, we never took the initiative to reflect on what happened and why things ended the way they did. Don’t you feel it was a huge mistake? Weren’t we impulsive?”

I looked at him as he worded his sentences slowly and lucidly. I wanted to yell out “Yes!” but I plainly nodded instead. He knew what my doubts and fears were. He knew that I was sensitive and naïve. He knew he had blown his chances of winning my heart, irreparably. And yet, he knew I still loved him.

I finally decided to speak my heart out before it was too late. “What happened last month was equally my fault. My mind was poisoned and I let my guard down. I forgot I’m supposed to trust you more than anyone else, because you know what’s best for me. It’s not the argument that was rife, but it was a side of you I never thought I’d see. That shook my faith in you, in us. I know it was one fight, one day. And neither of us meant what we spoke. But such things get indelibly etched sometimes. Even if it was what you least expected.”

He remained silent as if to drink in my every syllable. I saw him bite his lips in what seemed like agitation. I knew I had hurt him yet again. It was all we seemed to do in the name of love.

“I just need to know one thing. Are you over me?” he asked in a manner that stirred me from my apparent stupor.

“I think you know the answer.” I replied.

“I don’t think I do. I can’t speak and think for you anymore. I guess that’s grossly misleading.” he insinuated.

“Really? If that’s the case, no. I’m not over you. If I was, I wouldn’t have come here to meet you. There’s a last ray of hope that’s lingering very faintly.”

“What did you think would happen today? That we would sort things out and clean up the mess? Any more skeletons in hiding? Do you want to tell me anything else?” he asked endearingly.

“I’m not sure of anything. I don’t think we should be together. I feel this whole thing is a mistake. Maybe I’m not fit to be in a relationship if I can’t trust you. You tend to hold things back and have this secretive aura that encircles you at all times. You’re my best friend, Advait, but I don’t know if I can get married to you someday. Somehow, I can’t brush away the fact that there’s something about you that keeps me from trusting you. And you know that trust is the hallmark of any relationship.”

“What makes you think or feel this way?”

“It’s baseless. Maybe it’s a form my fear takes. I’m happy being in a relationship. But I can’t seem to fathom the baggage that comes along with it. I see you as someone I can’t live without. Coming to think of it, we drive each other crazy enough that I can’t live with you either. Two sides of the same coin, eh?”

“I agree. Your fear of commitment forces you to dislike something about me so that you can keep reiterating that to your brain and make me seem like a dark force that’s coming to get you. I wouldn’t say it’s entirely baseless, Mantra. Fights are an integral part of any relationship. But the key to staying together is the will to be together no matter what. Have you lost your will? Do I still mean even an ounce to you? Ask yourself this, and you’ll know. I know you hate introspecting because it only makes you sink deeper than actually finding your answers. I can’t think for you this time. But I know the hope hasn’t died away. And that’s a positive sign.” He paused, and then continued, “I’m not asking you to give me your final answer today, or right now. I guess we aren’t on the same page. This is quite puzzling to be honest. You know you love me, but you’re not sure if you want me to be a part of your life? Aren’t the two deeply interconnected?”

“I told you my life’s turned into a paradox. It’s not you I’m worried about. I’m scared out of my wits at the thought of marriage. I’m not ready. Yes, I know we have at least three years ahead of us, but what if I’m never ready? It sounds ridiculous now. My head is teeming with questions I can’t seem to figure out, Advait. I don’t know what I want anymore. . .” I trailed off, as I forced back my tears. I didn’t want him to see me cry.

“I think you do. You’re just scared to admit it. And that’s okay. You need a lot of time to think things through. But I don’t want you to go through with it alone. If you can’t see me in your future, let’s take it one day at a time and see where it leads us. It’s not sundown yet. We both know it. It’s a phase that you’re going through. I might act immature when we fight. But let’s face it. I’m mature enough for the both of us.”

I let out a small giggle at this, and realized that he had to be the one. He jokingly added that I was only possessed at the moment and things would eventually get better. I knew he was right. I loved the way he knew exactly what I needed to hear and held my hands in a firm, yet friendly grasp. My heart was no longer anchored. I felt a slight flutter from within, and smiled at him warmly.

The waves glimmered in the sun and shone like sparkling diamonds. I felt one with the ocean. I was free again. My misconceptions had dwindled away slowly, but lurked on the periphery. I knew I would get stronger with time. We would get stronger too. From a stranger, Advait was once again my best friend as we strolled along the shores of the beach. The sand felt warm and tingly on my soles as we sauntered about. It was half past ten, and I could not believe that two hours of talking had strengthened our weakened bond. He was right - nothing could take away my feelings for him entirely. It was a game my mind loved playing, but I would conquer my fear soon.

I heaved a deep sigh of relief and looked towards him. He was happy too. We were happy. I saw him rummage in his pockets for something and was wondering if he was searching for a few stray pennies to give the beggars. Quite contrary to what I expected, he pulled out a bronze coloured ring and showed it to me.

“I bought this a few weeks ago and thought you might like it. If you think it’s inappropriate or too soon, I completely understand. You don’t have to think of this ring as symbolising anything. Just wear it like any other piece of jewellery for the time being.” he explained.

“Advait, it’s very pretty. And I would love to wear it. Not just as any other piece of jewellery, but as a gift from a very special someone.” I loved the tiny stone that shone through the intricate design and slipped it on at once. The ring was perfect. I thanked him and unconsciously gave him a peck on his cheek. I felt ecstatic at the thought of my awkwardness disappearing and was overjoyed to have Advait by my side.

We drove out of the beach and reached the bakery where he got on to his bike and sped off to office, while I drove back home. It was a wonderfully strange day that I thought was going to go awry in the morning, but was pleasantly surprised at the end of it all. I had overcome my baseless fears and recognised what Advait really meant to me. No fight was going to take that away henceforth.