I clearly remember the day I got the envelope, it said: “Accepted for the RAF (Royal Air Force)”. I still remember the exhilarating joy I was filled with. All my Joy now turned into a neverending search for meaning in what I am doing, all my happiness now lost.

Standing outside the plane hangar, I think, 

" Why am I even here”. 

I glance up towards the sky. It is a clear sky night, I see bright stars blazing across the sky. Then I glanced at the full moon shining brightly upon the sky, illuminating this gloomy night. My squadron of 5 is supposed to assist the convoy and land at El Dabba, a 180 miles route. We might intervene with the German forces en route.                                                                                                                                        

We are to take off at dawn. It's still dark, some glimpses of the light can be seen over the horizon indicating the sun will be over the horizon in a matter of minutes. The roaring of a platoon of spitfires with a B46 Superfortress floods the whole airfield.

”Am I afraid?” I am constantly asking myself. But this task is something which is assigned to me and must be done. I tighten my grip on to throttle stick, I increase the throttle and in a matter of seconds, I am in the sky with my whole squadron. 

We were flying at an altitude of 18,000 feet. Above there was the sun, it was white like the clouds because it is never yellow when one looks at it. Below, is a vast stretch of sea of clouds.

The German fighter planes were like black mosquitoes hiding in the clouds. All I remember was that we were ambushed, and we never reached where we were supposed to be. When I was conscious again I saw a vast stretch of whiteness. I was still flying in my spitfire, I tried checking my altitude, but it showed nothing. I tried looking down but I saw nothing just infinite whiteness, maybe I was inside a cloud. I tried turning my plane but I got no movement. I also tried decreasing my throttle but it did nothing. My plane was flying at a steady speed. I gave up and sank back into my seat. It felt like a long time has gone by, but I was still inside this whiteness. I didn't know what happened to my squadron and I still don't remember anything. Yet I remember this feeling which I never felt before an undisturbed feeling of contentment, and funnily I didn't want to leave this place. This went on for a while, but suddenly everything went dark, pitch dark. A burst of light occurs and I find myself flying over the sea at 5,000 altitude, I search for my squadron, but no one was to be seen. 

When I landed at El Daba, I got to know my whole squadron was shot down I was the only survivor without a scratch on my plane.

“How am I alive” 

A thought which constantly runs through my mind. What was it that I saw, was it a delusion? My longing for that place was evergrowing.

“Will I ever go back to that place again?”