11:59 PM:

They are making some arrangements for my birthday, thinking that I am peacefully sleeping inside. Only I know what is running in my mind. All of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know how to shrug the past. I think that is who I am... It is not easy; it is not as easy as written in words. Much easier to preach than to practice. I am not who I thought I was. Now I have decided to be... I have decided to wear my same confident smile, I clear my throat and take a deep breath, see myself in the mirror and say, “You are going to be good, things will not change”. As I open the door, mom along with Rajan is waiting with the cake, singing with excitement “Happy birthday to you Sreeja”. I am smiling and hugging them like nothing happened. That is just my first step towards coming out of it.

11.00 PM:

My hands are still shivering. I can’t believe that I did it. I am extremely tensed. Do I have a choice to not come out of it? No, I have decided to get back, my mind insists so. But my hands don’t seem to listen, they still tremble. That scene is still playing repeatedly before my eyes. That animal.... Oh no! I am not going to think about it again. I have checked if the blood stains are clearly wiped off. Wait, let me check if I am still alive or if it’s just the soul. There are high chances that I could have died there, the day before my birthday would have been the last day of my life. I say to myself, “No, Sreeja, come on! Bounce back, forget it, you are different. Think of your own boldness. Think of your motivating words, what you have decided is correct. Forget it forever, let it remain as a secret that only you know. Be normal“. Yes I have said this 100 times and have washed my face to wipe the tears and fear, but it doesn't seem to go off. Somehow it has to. I can hear some sound outside, Mom and Rajan’s voice. They are making arrangements for my birthday thinking that I am peacefully sleeping inside.

08:00 PM:

Thanks to the stole I am wearing, I can cover my face and run into my nest. I put my hand into my jean pocket searching for the keys, my fingers are shaking as if they are going to detach from my hand. But, I have to take the keys, before someone sees me, before someone waves a Hi, most importantly before mom comes home. I got the keys, Thank God!

Thank God, not just for the keys but for the air I am breathing this minute. My actions are done in quick succession after that, opening the door, locking it from inside, rushing into my room, locking it from inside again, rushing into my bathroom, locking it from inside again. I desperately wanted to hide myself, to retreat into my shell. I opened all the water taps and screamed aloud. I am crying, as the water washes the blood stains from my wound. I want to erase the fear,   to delete what happened. I do not think I can overcome this. I suddenly wish I was dead. But why? I have finally won. Still... hmm, now I realise why everyone takes the decision to die. Though I somehow made it, I feel ugly and fearful of how I got trapped. No, I have decided to die. I start holding in my breathe, however it doesn't work. But, how can I now stand with the same pride and elegance I always carried around. How can I show the world that I am a liberated modern woman? It is definitely easy to motivate others, just not ourselves when we are in the same situation. With great difficulty, I decided to survive, to get back. But my hands are still shivering.

05: 00 PM:

I had such a lovely lunch with Rajan today. The day has just been mine since morning. I feel that “my life is really a bed of roses”. Isn’t it? I did not expect that I will become so famous in just a day, and as always, when I am extremely happy or sad, my eyes always want to see only him and he immediately comes to complete that desire. I know I shouldn't be thinking of all this while walking on the road but it happens when you are on cloud nine, when you are in love. I remember my hands wave to stop the taxi. I tell him my address as I sit inside the cab. Rajan - this guy never entered my life, he is my entire life. The world sees me as a bold and strong lady, but my hearts knows that Rajan is the backbone of my strength. He motivates me in whatever I do. Even when I go wrong, he guides me on how I could correct myself. I wonder what I would have become if I hadn’t met him?  The courage I get when I hold his hands, the pride that he holds in me that makes me feel great about myself, the love that he showers on me makes me feel beautiful, and his care makes me feel like a child. I have got the best of everything in life and Rajan is the best amongst them.  

The sudden jolt of the cab speeding past a speed breaker brings me back to reality. Wait! This is not the regular route. Where am I? Why is it such a remote area? I can see tall trees, deep bushes. I say in a bold tone, “Hey, hello... where are you taking me? Stop the car “. As I am shouting at the cab driver, I am also trying to hold my phone in one hand and open the door with another. He presses the brakes of the car suddenly, making me fall down. “Ouch”. He slaps me and watches me fall helplessly below the seats. Grabbing my handbag, he throws it away while dragging me out of the car, ready to attack. He is no longer a human, he is like a wild animal, a wild buffalo, with no sense of respect for other’s feelings. The buffalo’s rough skin is touching my skin. I cannot tolerate it. Rajan always says my skin is like a feather, and now all that purity and softness is being destroyed with his touch. A rough wild buffalo is trying to get on me. His hands are pressing my hips, “ouch”; there is no word to explain this dirty pain. His horrible mouth is approaching my sensitive lips to attack me. No, I am jerking my head away as fast as I can. Gathering all my strength, I hit him hard. I have finally pushed him off me and started running for help. He is trying to grab me again; he is again holding my back with both his hands while dragging me backwards towards him. His hands are taking grip holding the sensitive parts of my body. I just don't want to give up; I kick him on his groins, as hard as I can. I can’t let him tear me apart, hence I run fast screaming aloud. He is just a few centimetres behind. He is about to grab me back. I am running for my life. I either want to die this minute or run to save my life; I do not want to be caught by him. Suddenly, I hear a siren sound. And I can see him slowing down. But, I am not. I am running, finally ah! There is the road. I thank the ambulance for the sound of the siren. I have not stopped running yet, I am still running on the road. I want to go home. I see another cab but no, I don't have the courage to get in. I keep running, when I finally see a bus and wave desperately for it to stop. Finally I am where I should have been an hour back, my home. Thanks to the stole I am wearing, I can cover my face and run into my nest.

02:00 PM:

I know that I should be in the company of a huge group of people enjoying my success right now. But, all I want at this moment is for Rajan to pick me up from  home. As I get into his car, he gives me a quick kiss on my forehead saying, “Congratulations madam! You deserve it”. As usual, we keep talking about the success, recall the initial days. Once we reach the restaurant, Rajan again starts talking about how much he admires me for the work I do for women empowerment, and how my words help women to believe in themselves in spite of all their hardship. He says I will reach great heights and this success is just the starting. We noticed the time only when the waiter informed us that they are closing post lunch. “I have to go to office for some work dear, will you go by yourself or shall I drop you?” the same Rajan. I can see that he wants to leave alone since he is going to shop for my birthday surprise. Each year I see this same twinkle in his eyes when he bluffs before my birthday. “I will manage, you carry on”, pretending to believe him, as I do every year. I wave him a goodbye as he eagerly starts the car and leaves. I take a deep breath as I start walking on the road. I had such a lovely lunch with Rajan today.

11: 00 AM:

I open my laptop again, with a pretended air of nonchalance, and a lot more expectations. To control my anxiety, I first check Facebook and then move on to my inbox. Wait! I have received a mail from them. Subject says “Congratulations”. Even for participation they send “Congratulations for participating” messages. So, lets not get carried away. I sip into my water bottle as I open the mail. As I read the mail water splashes out from my mouth in surprise.

Dear Sreeja, It is indeed our pleasure to announce you as the winner of “Blogathon 2016 – India” We are also happy to add that you have won a cash prize of Rs 3 Lakhs as the title winner.

I am unable read the entire mail. “Ammaaaa, ammaaa”, I am running to her, kissing her, holding her shoulders and literally jumping. Every time amma hears good news, she gets smiles and cries at the same time. She blesses me on my forehead with her palm and says “Congratulations sweetie, God bless you… did you inform Rajan?” My hands are already waiting to grab that phone. the phone starts ringing even before I could call. The news is out on twitter and other social media. The post has got 2.5k likes within few minutes; I started receiving calls from many friends and even media and news channels. I have to now take my mother’s phone to call him. “Congratulations… busy madam, I did not get the line to reach you. Get ready, I am on the way”, he knows me so well. I am getting ready for a lunch date with Rajan, but I know that I should be in the company of a huge group of people enjoying my success right now.

08:00 AM:

I just pray that today should be my day, my entry to the hall of fame. Usually my fingers search for my phone as soon as I wake up. Today they are searching for my laptop to check mail. Results will be announced today. I know that my blog is capable of winning the award. Even if my blog doesn't win, I am confident that I have given a strong message to the society. My blog will be a boost for many women out there. It is one of the best motivational blogs I have written, and certainly the best even among those I have read. I see that there is neither a mail nor a website announcement on the winner. I am opening my blog page to read the blog for n’th number of time. The title of my blog is “Rape is not the end”. Every woman must read this. Especially every soul who has undergone the experience of rape, should read my blog to have an understanding on how to overcome the feeling and start a normal life. There is no use to carry the stress, both physically and mentally. I feel proud about my article. My mind is urging me to check my mail, though my brain says you might get disappointed. I open my laptop again.

01: 00 AM:

I just finished the call with Rajan. This is the thousandth time he is appreciating me for the blog. “I am sure your blog will win the Blogathon event. Many entries will be on dowry, women freedom or how to escape rape. But, you have gone a step forward and written about how to survive and live after being sexually abused and being raped, a much needed motivation. They should know that they are not supposed to commit suicide or feel ashamed. Moreover, there is no reason to be ashamed. Why should they feel like killing themselves for a mistake someone else did. Why should a victim feel ashamed? You have given that message so clearly and strongly. This is a much needed awareness blog for the society. Ok now go, sleep and call me with the good news in the morning”, we exchange goodnight kisses before hanging the phone. I just pray that today should be my day, my entry to the hall of fame.