"Lord, let me be the person my psychiatrist medicated me to be," I cried. "Why are you so upset about the unfairness of the world? It's almost like you're angry with yourself for having so much power, guilty because you're doing so little," Aakash retorted.

"Just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't make sense." I continued to defend myself in the midst of my maybe mid-life crisis. I didn't necessarily believe in the effectiveness of the prescribed medication nor did I have any impertinent expectation that my luck would suddenly favor me. I was just adequately content to celebrate my misery, confidently mocking  hostility around me. Some called it, let's put it in quotes, "depression" and others labelled it sheer desolate laziness. I'm not quite sure what I called it, probably nothing because I chose to remain oblivious of my pained condition. Moreover, there was no point, again let's put it in quotes, "explaining" my particular state of existence to anyone. No one had any pertinent guidance or recommendation, anyway. They only loaded me with pity, feeling a fake sense of sadness for my misfortunes.

"Have you thought about your future?" asked Aakash irritably. "I have you for that, right?" I said, smiling with glorified sarcasm. "Are you ever serious?" Aakash demanded, nostrils flaring up with annoyance.

 "I am going to quote something from this book I'm reading. This is how it goes:

      ‘Time. We only have the future to walk towards. Even if we could use our finger to move the clock hand to a certain time, that's really not something I want to go back to yet. The past, we can't go back and fix it, all we have is the now and we should do our best with it.’”

"What does this have to do with you? You need to wake up and see your life passing you. Take matters into your own hands and think practically, not metaphorically or quote proverbs. But I'm done with you. You don't need my help, or anyone's help anymore. After all, you must learn to help yourself first before anyone can attempt helping you. Wallowing in self-pity will not fix anything but you don't really want to ‘fix’ anything now, do you?" expressed Aakash.

"I don't see the world like you do, Aakash. I see black and white, not colour. I see misery and failure and a frustrated sense of self-worth. My truths are a figment of my own imagination, now, because that is how I cope with sunrise everyday. I look forward to the sunset not because of its outstanding natural beauty and its ability to aesthetically please the human senses, but because it marks the culmination of the day, the day that I have no energy to tolerate. I live in borrowed time, struggling to often breathe. Do you not see my pain, Aakash? Your disregard for my suffering is loathsome.

On a slightly positive note, and with the hope of digressing from my distress, today is slightly different. I am returning to life  as I watch the sun appear and disappear in the midst of the random drizzle. I'm aching, literally and not metaphorically speaking. I am sleep deprived beyond words and annoyed with the transportation system, story of which has no home in this conversation. Yet, believe it or not, I can breathe. I am breathing a fresh start, not canned or otherwise preserved, impertinent like a child lecturing grown-ups, free from impurities. I am letting go of expectation, disappointment and taking in peace and happiness. The not so chocolate-flavoured coffee that the bartender served me, tastes as undesirable as I thought it would. The unwanted interfering drizzle interrupted my touristy escapade. Yet again, I smile and find it easy to breathe. Not far from this minute lies dynamical system of bedlam, aka pandemonium. Yet, I am relaxed and content with my momentary present, drawing in new life and manifesting a strange full-flavoured spirit after having being uncorked. How did I get to this state? How can I re create this again? How can I hold it in place and keep it flowing in my veins? The pendulum clicks and keeps the tempo of the music around me alive. I continue to breathe in, this air of extreme optimism, expecting the best of all best in this possible world. Nothing seems to be out of place in my life. Nothing feels wrong. Every puzzle piece fits right where it should," I exhaled, completely confusing Aakash, the one person in the world who still cared for me.