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Boss, you deserve to be killed! And that too, mercilessly; after being repeatedly hit where it would hurt you the most! It would give me immense satisfaction to see you suffer and cry in agony. For the first time you would be right about something, and that would be Newton's third law of force – every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

I can understand your position pretty well if you think on the above lines. However, when termination has become the new normal and reduction in salary a great favour, it is important to remain in the good books of the idiot who happens to be your boss. While you perhaps cannot change him; he can definitely show you the door.

This is not a 2-minute guide on managing your boss and saving your job, but can still help you in softening the blow. Either you will learn a trick to contain the monster, or realise that you are not the only one doomed with an uncouth, unkind, incompetent, lazy, and hard-headed monster.

I have had a fair share of mediocre to rank bad bosses in my thirty-five-year career. It is tough to select the worst of the lot, but with a detached view you would perhaps be able to do a better job of grading them. The list goes like this:

1. The Insecure Dog  

I do not intend to disrespect my canine friends, but this fellow leaves me with little options. This curse on mankind behaves like a dog threatened by the presence of any living being; barking incessantly and cajoling its master to shoo away the intruder. This cunning operator licks the boots of influential people in the organisation while nursing a special dislike for people with similar or better educational qualification, professional experience, energy level, success record, etc. This person poses as your friend and well-wisher, gives wrong advice, and ensures that the top man forms a negative image of you.

One evening as I returned home after a three-week leave, an envelope in the letterbox announced that the national sales conference had been scheduled a day after at the headquarters. I was surprised! Since my boss, the national sales manager, had approved my leave and was well aware of my absence, he could have certainly organised the conference two days later. I called him up, confiding that I had no time to make a decent forty slide presentation covering the agenda. He advised that I should only have the entire data ready. He would manage the rest, he assured.

The conference started in the morning with the head office personnel in quality control, safety, human resources, product development, etc., sharing the developments with the audience. Presentations of the regional sales offices began from around six in the evening. The sales manager, sitting next to the managing director, discussed almost every slide with the presenter and ensured that the managing director shared his views as well. Each presentation continued for about forty-five minutes. By the time my turn came, it was close to 9:30 in the evening. I went to the podium with a bundle of data, apologised for not being able to make the PowerPoint presentation due to the leave, and started analysing the progress of the region which had exceeded the sales target, won back a straying original equipment manufacturer, and retained the others. Surprisingly, my presentation did not last even for ten minutes. Neither the sales manager nor the managing director asked any questions. When some other colleagues requested for an elaboration of some point, the sales manager handled the queries.

As we broke up for dinner at 11:30, the managing director told me that he was unhappy with my 'performance'. I should not have 'dared' to address the meeting without the PowerPoint presentation, he insisted. The insecure dog had cleverly diverted attention from my achievements in a year to my failure in making a 40-slide presentation to ensure that its master got enraged and kicked me.

A smart guy would have declared at the beginning itself that the PowerPoint presentation had not been prepared on the advice of the sales manager. His instincts would have warned him about the presence of a dog. I wasn't that smart then, and took it as a learning.

2. The Grumpy Complainer

This high ranking person heads several functions in spite of a glaring lack of knowledge in many areas. This specimen keeps a serious face, feigns being very busy while munching cashew nuts, looks at you as if you belong to an inferior race, and makes comments that expose a pathetically high level of ignorance in the field. While the world appreciates the high quality of your work, this moron mumbles about friends and family finding the same work substandard. The cold blanket does not assign any reason behind the negative feeling and changes the topic if you insist upon learning the reasons.

Responsible for corporate communication, publicity and brand building, I reported to such a guy for many years. He toured different regions and submitted negative reports to the managing director about my efforts. Fortunately, the chairman of the company and many customers were regularly congratulating the managing director on improved corporate communication, strong publicity, and positive brand building. The managing director called me once, showed the reports filed by the grumpy complainer, and observed that while the guy had no expertise in my field, he was useful elsewhere. I started informally reporting to the managing director, was awarded a gold medal, and enjoyed a good growth in career.

I wonder, how would have I fared if the managing director had not seen through the game of the grumpy complainer.          

3. The Self-important Schemer

Self-promotion is the only goal of this breed. It cares two hoots for the organisation and its people. It loses no opportunity to remind that you, being a junior, must stick to your 'level'. It shamelessly lies and boasts around, displaying less dignity than a pig does.  

Once a sales engineer excitedly informed me about an upcoming huge bulk requirement of an original equipment manufacturer. He had cultivated the customer well and had even drawn the techno-commercial proposal. There was only one glitch, though. Considering the magnitude of the acquisition, the customer was demanding a high discount. The general manager concerned was dillydallying on the issue. He did not respond even when informed about the final warning of the customer, whose factory was not far from our competitor's. I visited the customer, who had already started losing faith in us. The once-in-a-decade sale was slipping away. We had only a day's time to revert. Back in office, I called up the general manager who assured to give a 'solution' the next morning.

The sales engineer had little hope in the promise. We started analysing bulk orders in the past, and also took help from our friends in the sales department at the divisional headquarter. Within a few hours we were able to understand a pattern of discount for bulk sales. As feared, the general manager did not call up the next morning. Deciding not to depend on him any further, we calculated the price on the basis of the formula unearthed the previous day and submitted the offer. Unaware of the development, the general manager maintained his silence, expecting us to beg for the price.

We informed the general manager only after collecting the order, and faxed a copy to him. He was furious! How could we quote below the list price without his written permission? We deserved to be punished for the sacrilege! He cautioned us against sharing the development with anyone, and said that he would visit our branch very soon.

Since nothing great materialised during the visit, we started wondering about its purpose. It took us just a few days to learn that rather than going back home, the self-important schemer had returned via the corporate office with the order. He had shown the order to the managing director and claimed that the contract had been grabbed under his active leadership and guidance. He had boasted that while the branch people were wasting time in dealing with officials of their 'level', he had met the decision-makers and swung the deal in our favour!

He was walking on thin ice, as the order had already been faxed five days ago to his office. But he knew that we would not behave unethically. And we didn't spill the beans. Unethical behaviour was only his preserve!

4. The Ruthless Beast

This person takes pride in loading you like a donkey. Less than three years' ordeal under such a tyrannous boss gave me a prolapsed disc which would never heal completely. He ensured that I travelled four days every week on poorly constructed mine roads in the jungles of Jharkhand and Orissa and completed the paperwork by staying late every Monday. While an hour-long journey on a broken road can play havoc with one's system, he forced me to take four-to-five-hour-long trips on each day of my tours. He was equally cruel with our stenographer. While the ruthless beast used to go out at 5:15 every evening to the club with his wife and daughter, the stenographer was made to sit and slog in the office. He would call the stenographer every morning and seek the details of the work done in his absence. Finally, the stenographer started talking back and dumping carbon copies of previous evening's work on this guy's table.

The double standards of the beast amazed us. We feared and hated him, and were very happy whenever he was pulled up by his bosses. Only one of my colleagues handled him well, abusing him on his face in public on the pretext of being drunk in office parties! He didn't accept excess work, and was never afraid to point out the shortcomings of the boss. Though the boss and the colleague both retired long back, they are still in touch, the boss having attended the colleague's daughter's wedding last year. I, on the other hand, have not maintained social contacts with the beast. We happily lost touch about thirty years ago.

5. The Pliable Fool

Your reputation, track record and efficiency do not matter to this person. So what if your breakthroughs and application of mind are discussed in sales conferences? This fool prefers to believe in friends, old colleagues, and your adversaries, and brands you as a useless guy on your face. Your attempts to defend yourself infuriate this dumb person, and finally you end up cursing fate.

I had heard about this boss in superlative terms. Excellent in customer relations, he was a successful salesman and a go-getter. I, on the other hand, was considered as a rising star, having protected and promoted company's interest on numerous occasions in a span of ten years.

On the first visit of the boss, I took him to a customer who was genuinely disturbed with the design flaws on our products. The customer bluntly told him that while my local team was providing all support, the issues needed to be sorted out at the manufacturing facility.

I had no telephone facility – the nearest telephone was available 230 kilometres and five hours away. I had to depend on letters and telegrams for communication. The engineering department had ignored my letters and reminders. Under the circumstances, I had hoped that the "go-getter" boss would appreciate the customer's pain and obtain the solution by speaking to the people concerned over the telephone from his Delhi office.               

The local dealer threw a party for the boss in the evening. The boss knew this dealer well and was aware of his excellent relations with the managing director, vice presidents, and other key personnel in the company. The dealer requested the boss to help in faster certification of bills by the local team, complaining that the delays were affecting his financial performance.

The fact was that after receiving complaints from the customer and noticing inflated rates, I had stopped the practice of "certification on faith" adopted by my predecessor, and insisted upon verifying suspect entries on every invoice. In spite of the introduction of the new system, bills were being certified the same day. Obviously, the dealer's financial performance was not getting affected by delay but by my refusal to certify inflated bills!  

By the time his tour ended, the pliable fool was extremely upset. My explanations cut no ice with him. He left, promising to remove deadwood from the office. I was dejected. The backache gifted by the ruthless beast (point 4 above) became unbearable and I had to be hospitalised for months. When discharged, I had no desire to resume work under the fool.

But, I was in for a surprise on his next visit! He declared the dealer as a liar, and complained that the guy had spoken ill about him to the managing director and other senior personnel. He also said that the design team had admitted product flaws in personal meetings with him, but had refrained from doing so on paper. "Don't worry, we will find a solution," he said in his "go-getter" style. 

I wonder what would have happened if the dealer had not double-crossed the fool, and the engineering managers had been less transparent.

6. The Selfish Giant

It is common for sales people to handle multiple products of different divisions. While it is natural for all divisional heads to push people and maximise sales, the poor salesman finds himself in an awkward position when the 5% market-share product manager starts demanding 50% of his time at the cost of ignoring other product groups.

I never reported to him directly, but could never avoid him, either. This selfish giant handled many weak and over-priced products. Somehow he always rejected the suggestions for product improvement. Piggybacking on the reputation of other successful product groups, I was able to introduce some of his products, but the result was always horrible. An underground drill failed to move in slush due to poor propulsion system, and had to be sheepishly withdrawn; brand new portable compressors had to be replaced by customers due to overheating; and the in-pit crushers could never handle big chunks of coal. Ultimately all these products were abandoned.

Having never been a direct salesman, this selfish giant never realised the sanctity of relationship between the field salesman and the customer, who trust each-other. Each wrong sale erodes the purity of this relationship, and hurts not only the image of the salesperson but also of the company. But there he was, relentlessly pursuing me to promote products which were creating failure records. He never visited any of the installations with me, which was surprising as even the managing director of the company used to pride himself on operating the levers of machines.   

I am sure, this selfish giant could have done the company and me a favour by visiting installations and getting the products improved.

7. The Good Guy

No, the good guys are not good at all! True, they do not breathe down your neck, they do not abuse you, they share jokes with you, they visit your home and enjoy your hospitality, and blah blah blah; but they fall spectaculaly short when it comes to defending you from the super boss. Since you two are so pally and work on a jointly-held strategy, you would be absolutely within your rights to expect support from this person in delicate situations. But no, you are left bare to face the onslaught!

I had two such good guys as my immediate bosses at different points in my career. I created many sales records under both partnerships. Unfortunately, both broke under identical circumstances. The first boss, outmanoeuvred by his junior, a national sales manager, finally had to quit the organisation after me. The second good guy was trapped by his boss, the father-in-law of a Miss India pageant winner. He, too, quit months after I left the organisation.

Both the gentlemen were decent to a fault. Perhaps they had opened up too much before the adversary and failed as a result. Unfortunately, my head had rolled on both occasions as collateral damage.

8. The Gem of a Person

Well, all bosses do not have to be bad. Some can be too good for words.

This boss did not spare me when I made a mistake, but at the same time, also explained what I should have done instead. It is not so that I always agreed with him, but I could never become disagreeable. He treated me like a fellow human being and was genuinely interested in my growth. When we travelled together, this gem of a person ensured that I enjoyed the same privileges as he did, though I was officially not entitled for the same. He did not shy away from handling unpleasant situations and meeting difficult people, and sometimes was admirably able to turn defeat into victory. Customers were charmed by his excellent behaviour. He never made false promises and indulged in cheap humour. Perhaps his strongpoint was also his weakness – it was difficult for his juniors to act strikingly different from him. You had to either toe his line or be ready to face the offensive.  

9. The Liberal Soul

This boss neither acts like your friend nor keeps giving friendly advices, and even takes stern action when you slip up. But the beauty is that this boss gives you plenty of elbowroom to experiment and improve.

Usually radio channels have their favourite patterns which are never disturbed for the fear of eroding listeners' faith. During my stint at a radio channel, I expressed before the station director my desire to bring some revolutionary changes in the pattern. While two separate announcers one-after-the-other presented educational programmes for 150-minutes each, I suggested that the rather drab recordings should be made livelier through a five-hour joint presentation by both announcers. The station director listened to me with full attention, and asked, "Aap Kar Lenge (Will you really be able to do it)?" When I expressed confidence, she gave the go ahead. The style of presentation became popular, and soon we also started reading customers' letters, something which was never done before. I developed confidence, and not before long we started producing in-house features, which were till then bought from private media houses and government bodies. The popularity of the channel grew because of the foresight and the risk-taking ability of the station director.

The station director only once strayed from the strict rules of having no food in the studios. As the co-host and I were preparing to present the Independence Day programme, I noticed the liberal soul walking in with a very prominent personality on the other side of the glass. They left after about fifteen minutes, giving an appreciative nod. Half-an hour later, a packet of goodies was sent to us with the compliments of the station director. I consider it as one of the biggest tokens of appreciation I have ever received.   

10. The Ultimate Boss

This boss is to too mature to lose temper or to overlook your discomfort. The ultimate boss doesn't crib about things beyond control, but at the same time ensures that available resources are utilised to the maximum. Polite yet firm, friendly yet determined to provide even uncomplimentary feedback, this boss is almost an authority in the applicable field.

I was fortunate to work under such a boss in the news room of All India Radio, New Delhi. Though news was broadcast every hour, he ensured that no bulletin carried a repetition. I and the entire team had to ensure that fresh information was provided every hour. Previous references were provided only if necessary to make the information easily understandable, and common man's language was used. I took about twenty minutes and five attempts to complete my first news story. He kept pointing out scope for improvement in each version, but did not assign the story to someone else or completed it himself. I learnt with each correction.

The ultimate boss and I did not attend many shifts together, but within five sessions I became able to write a news item of average length in two attempts and five minutes. I also started ensuring that the newsreader should find the news story easy to read.  

Once I was assigned the day-shift. Mostly women newsreaders and editors worked during the day. As I was busy editing, I sensed that something was wrong. The newsreader and very senior lady editors were discussing something in whispers. Finally the senior-most of them approached me and said, "We consider you as one of the best editors, and so are surprised on the use of this word." She pointed out a particular word. Of course, she was right that the word was not the most appropriate one, but I was surprised at being considered as "one of the best editors" in a short span of time.

As days passed, the ultimate boss kept sharing his ideas about the ideal bulletin and suggesting further improvements in my work. The biggest surprise came when I was made the bulletin in-charge within nine months. From a novice requiring five corrections in a news story to a person responsible for leading a team of several editors and newsreader – I had really come a long way, thanks to the ultimate boss.