My wife never misses a sale. Never? Never. In fact, I think she has developed a sixth sense about this occasional magnanimous gesture shown by retailers. Some of you, especially those with wives of their own, might not find this unusual of course. Almost every middle class Indian wife partakes in a Diwali dhamaka deal, a Christmas clearance countdown or an Eid expo. However, my wife is unique because she participates in all of them. Each and every sale? Yes, each and every one.

Seeing her visit these different sales events over the years has taught me that the best deals for her during these events generally involve the buy one get one scheme. I also know this for a fact because she always buys me two of everything too. I own two identical tooth brushes, two cell phones, two pairs of baby blue bell-bottoms, two pairs of interchangeable brown shoes...in fact, everything, everything I now own, I own two of it. She says it just makes sense to buy one and get one free. So I have decided to honor her thoughts and beliefs and tell you a story which has two stories. You read one and you get the other one absolutely free!

Since I don't know each and every one of you though, I leave it up to you to decide for yourself, which is the ode to remember and which is the ode to forget. If you like neither then I believe you don't know a good story when you read one, and if you like both then I congratulate you on your good taste.  Anyway, I must not digress. So let me start by telling you the story about the story....

Dr. Prakash Onkar is an eminent Psychiatrist at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS), New Delhi, India. He is the closest thing to a hero we will find in this tale. A man of many talents, he decided to choose Psychiatry as his profession because none of the other professions seemed quite as challenging to him as one in which he gets to delve into the human mind and cure it of all its diseases. He is a well-balanced, emotionally restrained individual with only one obsession in life. He is in love with his almost perfect wife Ms. Bhakti More (pronounced More-A, rhymes with ‘hay’).

Even though she seems perfect for him now, their relationship began under rather unusual circumstances. She was his student at AIIMS when they first met. Since Dr. Onkar is a professional, he never noticed her at the time, but Ms. More was more than infatuated with him at first sight. She expressed his love for him during a lecture on 'Borderline Personality Disorders' and threatened to cut her wrists if he refused her advances. Dr. Onkar, being the true professional that he is, refused to acknowledge her sudden loud threats and continued describing the symptoms of BPD.

“A person suffering from this disease exhibits a pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love to extreme dislike or anger.” “I hate you Dr. Onkar. I won't really cut my wrists with this knife for a pathetic man like you." “The patient may show recurring suicidal behaviors or threaten self-harming behavior, such as cutting their wrists.” “Dr. Onkar?  I will cut myself if you don't promise to love me back.” “Another common symptom is that the patient tends to make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.” “Dr. Onkar? Please don't abandon me like this. I...” is all she could say as the rest of her sentence was drowned out by the class-ending bell. “Ms. More, I'd like to see you in my office in ten minutes.”

“Ms. More...”

 “A.”

“A?”

“Yes.”

“Ok. Ms. More-A. Your behavior in class was absolutely unacceptable. You ought to be more discrete about your feelings in the future.”

“I am sorry Dr. Onkar. I think I might actually be suffering from BPD.”

“Nonsense, I am the best Psychiatrist in this country and I see no reason to believe so.”

“Yes, Dr. Onkar. But I do love you.”

“Of course you do. However, you must not announce them to the world like this. I have a reputation to protect Ms. More.”

“A.”

“A?”

“Yes.”

“We can try to establish a romantic connection after you conclude your studies, but please do not disclose your strong feelings for me to anyone else until then.”

“Are you sure? Will you be able to love a girl like me forever Prakash?”

“Call me Dr. Onkar please. Yes, of course, a man like me can adjust to any relationship. I am sure you will find our romantic relationship just as satisfying as our academic one.”

“I actually didn't learn much about BPD today.”

“Because instead of paying attention to me, you were busy expressing your true feelings right?”

“You are right. You are always right. Please always guide me through all my life's troubles baby...I mean Dr. Onkar.”

“I will. Just focus on your studies for now though. Ok?”

 “Why are you such a pathetic coward about all this? You disgust me.”

 “No, I don't. You love me more than you have ever loved anyone in your life. It's not surprising.”

“It’s not?”

“No. This has happened before as well.”

“It has? What happened with her? Did you abandon her too?”

“Well, I will have to tell you my story for that relationship to make sense.”

“Oh please tell me, please. I love your stories. I love everything about you, you know.”

“I know. Anyway, it all happened a while back, around 1317.”

“1317? 1317 Before Common Era? That seems highly improbable you pathetic liar.”

“No I am pretty sure of the year. It is my story after all. That's when it happened.”

“I believe you. I am so sorry I ever doubted you. You would never lie to me; I love you so much baby…I mean Dr. Onkar.” 

 "So as I was saying...

It was the year 1317 BCE. I had turned fourteen years old that year and was the first in line for the throne in my Kingdom. Everybody loved me. People have always been very fond of me, you see. It was the same back then too. They wanted me to be the king like my father had been before me. However, you always have those who are jealous of brilliant people and it was the same for me.

My step mother was the one who stood blocking my road to the rightful kingship. She had always been jealous of me. I think she also suffered from a generalized anxiety disorder so she was constantly worried about her own biological son. She wanted her son to be king. Her son and I were pals though and he never questioned my authority over him. It was just his mother and her maid who were against me.

Now, I didn't know this at the time but during one of her manic episodes of bipolar disorder, my step mother had stepped in front of my father's enemy and repaired my father's chariot to ensure his escape from a losing battle. Following this incident, she repaired my Father just like she had repaired his chariot. The King, feeling fully well physically but not so well mentally, had granted her three boons for her service. According to the terms of the boon contract, she could avail of the boons at any time and Dad could not refuse her wishes on those three occasions. He would grant her those boons even if it caused him great pain. That was the deal and he didn't see any harm in it at the time.

He did however see the mistake he had made when one fine day Mrs. Ishkvaku asked him to fulfill one of her boons. As you already know she was suffering from a bipolar disorder and many general anxiety ailments. Apparently, her bipolar disorder was of the Cyclothymic type. That is she had numerous periods of hyper manic symptoms and numerous periods of depression. So, one fine day, she started feeling depressed and feared that her son might not make it in life if I became King. So she asked her husband to banish me to the forest for fourteen years and make her son the king. Actually, it would be wrong to blame her entirely for this scheme. I found out later, that it was her maid and wet nurse, who had put her up to this.  The maid didn't do so entirely in bad faith of course. She too suffered from depression and delusion because of her major body image issues and low self-esteem. So it would be fair to say that the two ladies, suffering from their various mental health conditions asked for the unthinkable, without really thinking it. 

The King, as magnanimous and brave as he was had a soft spot for his third wife. Also, he was of rather advanced age at the time and was exhibiting signs of degeneration in the cerebral cortex. He decided it was fair to abandon me and install my step brother to the throne. So, my step brother was made King in my place. And when he was made King I decided it would be best if I just left the Kingdom and let everyone live their lives peacefully.

Now a minor point that I forgot to mention this whole time is that I had already found a woman who loved me and cared for me before all these schemes to de-throne me were hatched and executed. She was perfect and was truly devoted to me. I didn't feel as strongly for her but respected her for her wise choice in men. When bad times fell on me she stood by me and decided to leave the Kingdom with me. We had a perfect relationship really. Her sacrifices had always been the bedrock of our relationship and when I lost my kingdom, she came through again.

So, we packed our bags and headed out to the woods as per Dad's orders. We had many, many adventures together in the next fourteen years together. I provided for her and she always remained true to me. I told her what to do and she followed my orders religiously. I did everything I could to make her comfortable and happy and she always remained comfortable and happy. I took good care of her. In fact, during this time I even rescued her from a small time hoodlum in south India. The guy was really quite a character. He thought he would abduct her and treat her nicely and she would run away with him. I didn't let that happen of course. My friends and I went ahead and vanquished his army and destroyed his little Kingdom.

After I gallantly rescued her, we resumed our relationship right from where we had left off. We were really happy and content but then it all fell apart when we returned home.”

“Bhakti? Bhakti! Wake up.”

“Oh, sorry, I am so sorry I fell asleep. I was up all night writing your name on my bedroom walls.”

“Oh, ok. That’s quite understandable. No harm done. Pay attention now though. So, where was I? Ah yes, after we came back to my Kingdom…  

I discovered that she had amnesia. I found out in the worst way possible of course. One fine day, out of nowhere she questioned one my decisions. This was really strange for me. I mean I had asked her to walk through fire to prove that she had never cheated on me and she had even done that for me. So, I was really surprised when I realized that she had clearly forgotten that our relationship was based entirely on her sacrifices and unquestioning obedience. Obviously, I diagnosed the ailment immediately and concluded that it was an incurable form of Amnesia.

After this, one thing led to another and we separated. It was really sad for me and quite traumatizing at first but I managed to recover from it somehow. I had to get over it and run a Kingdom after all.”

“Oh, I feel so sad for you. That’s so unfair.”

“Yes, it is unfair but that is what happens in a lot of relationships. So now you know and I hope you will use the information from this story to make an informed decision about our future relationship Ms. More.”

“A.”

“A?”

“A.”

“Ah, Yes.”

“What story are you talking about Dr. Onkar?”

“The one I just told you Ms. More-A.”

“Did you just tell me a story? I am sorry, I forgot to mention this before but I suffer from episodes of Amnesia sometimes. I don't remember a single thing you just said. I am so sorry.”

“Ah, I suspected that you suffered from this horrible disease too. Oh well, I'll tell you the story again, tomorrow. I mean it is an epic that everyone must learn about at some point in their life. For now though, I want you to go ahead and attend your other classes.”

“But you promise to love me forever baby…I mean Dr. Onkar?”

“We'll talk about it later Ms. More.”

“Ok, Dr. Onkar. Thank you so much. I just want to let you know that I really, really lo…”

And, that my friend is how their courtship began and has since blossomed into a beautiful relationship which has lasted for almost thirteen years. They are quite happy with each other even though they are blissfully unaware of each other's illnesses. He believes he is god’s avatar and doesn't know that all his diagnosis about the characters of a great Indian epic is wrong. And obviously, she doesn't remember that he thinks he is an avatar and has diagnosed all the characters of an ancient Indian epic. But their relationship works!

Well, at least that’s the story my sister told me about them. My sister was in his class and rather fancied the Doctor herself until Dr. Onkar told her about Mrs. Onkar and their wonderful love story.

I have never personally met Dr. Onkar or Mrs. Onkar, but my sister mentioned that Mrs. Onkar is really beautiful and is too good for an arrogant, narcissistic man like the Doctor. How amazing it must be to find a woman like her. She seems so pious and so dedicated to her husband, quite unlike my spendthrift wife. I am pretty sure that Mrs. Onkar would never drag her husband to any sale or force him to buy two of everything.

Hearing all these wonderful things about her made me wonder if maybe someone like me should wrest her away from that silly man. Maybe when she spends time with me she'll see that I am a better man than her “perfect” husband. She'll see that she can find someone to make her happy even if he is not an eminent Psychiatrist or a successful writer, for that matter.

In fact, lately I have been hatching plots every day to meet her and woo her. She lives in North Delhi, so I guess I'd have to find a way to get her down south where I live. Maybe she will leave Dr. Onkar and find happiness with me if she spends some time with me in my wonderful garden. I am sure we can find bliss in each other’s company while my wife finds happiness in her shopping expeditions. Oh what wonderful lives we would lead, if I could just find a way to meet her alone at home when her husband and brother-in-law are away. Maybe just maybe I have a shot at winning her over and finding marital bliss.

Maybe just maybe I can find a woman who will never drag me to another sales event.