Dear Mrs. Gupta,

I've been watching your house since March and I think you're the woman for me. See, your husband, he never looks after you, does he? He's always taking hours in the bathroom just to look in the mirror; such a vain character, he never cares for you when you have the shits from that terrible curry he cooked the night before, by the time he comes out looking like a circus clown, you've been making a masterpiece on the carpet.

The thing is I'm not like that. I don't care whether you've grown a midsection gym ball or that wart on your butt. You are gorgeous. You are amazing. You are one of a kind. Please, come home with me and divorce that scallywag of yours.

Yours faithfully,

A caring stalker

P.S: I've just moved in next door and I don't have any sugar, please spare me a pound or two.