Being a Landlord

I want to enjoy the power of being a landlord. I know so many ways to assert my hegemony. I want to try them out. As many I like — according to my whims and fancies.

Frankly speaking, I do not want to let the tenant feel that the relationship becomes equal just through a financial transaction every month. So what if he pays rent? He should remember I am the legal owner of the property where he resides. He should accept that I have done him a favour.

Paying rent is not everything a tenant can do to express gratitude. He is supposed to be meek and humble — stand with folded hands and always speak in a soft voice. He should never forget the fact that he lives with his family in a space owned by me. I have given him a roof —a shelter.

He cannot drop my phone calls. I will feel offended, take umbrage. He cannot ignore my emails and messages. He just cannot afford to do that. Even if I stay at a different location, I prefer to get my goods delivered at the tenant’s address. That’s because I am not home all the time. But the tenant or a member of his family will be home all the time to receive my goods. By the way, I find nothing improper if I make him receive it. At least he gets to read my name on the parcel. That should remind him of my existence. My name should be refreshed frequently.

I want the tenant to maintain my house well and get the repairs done. I want no wild bushes growing around. He should spend money out of his own pocket to get my beautiful garden in shape. He should get the doors and windows painted. I mean I will bear the cost through rental adjustment but he should personally supervise and get the work done in the best possible way. You know how labourers behave and get on your nerves. Let him face all that.

I will come to my house without an appointment and still expect to be entertained. I am coming to my own house where the tenant lives. So, I do not need his permission to enter my property. I am the landlord who does not offer any explanation. I do not think the tenant needs to be informed if I have to cancel an appointment. On the other hand, the tenant cannot have any prior engagement. But even if he has, he should cancel everything else. I am his first priority. But for me, he is not the first priority. No way.

I want the neighbours to keep a watch on the tenant and give me reports from time to time. I want the tenant to remember he is nothing more than a tenant — under my surveillance, through my reliable men around. Poor guy will never know they are my spies.

Being a landlord, I have the power to throw him out any time I feel like. Eject. Call the police and frame any charge and get him uprooted just like a peepal plant growing out of a crevice in a dilapidated wall. He should never forget that. But a tenant deserves to be reminded of his ordinary status from time to time. Mercy living it is. I am a merciful landlord.

My spouse wants to invite the tenant at my family functions but I do not want to give an invitation card. My oral invite should be enough — more than the power of any printed word. He should be grateful I have added him to my inner circle. If he does not turn up, it is his biggest blunder. No excuses on health grounds. He is testing my patience through gross insubordination. What does he try to prove? He does not care to attend? Wait, I will make him suffer for that! I will send disturbing elements to ruin his peace of mind. I will send my people posing as tenants looking for space. Let him lose sleep over eviction. I can get creative and wicked.

I am the landlord so I can afford to speak in any language I like. I can make fun of the diseases they suffer from and taunt them. I have the freedom to comment on the figure of the tenant’s wife. Nothing of the vulgar kind, just a smile and get naughty by commenting on growing fat or putting on weight. That’s tolerable, I am sure. No offence.

I want to assign some duties to the tenant. I want him to go and pay my property tax. Okay, deduct the amount from the rent. And yes, I want him to receive my official and personal letters on my behalf. Sign them all, and intimate me as soon as possible. I want the tenant to do something for me. He should remember I am there every day of the month.

I will send any member of my family and the tenant should entertain him well. He is my representative. His respect is my respect. I will send emissaries to collect my items and he should be there to deliver the stuff.

I guess you have understood I want to adopt psychological tactics to keep the tenant under me. He should remain docile and submissive. Because I am the landlord. I own a piece of land. I am giving shelter – a noble deed. How can a tenant not be thankful for my kindness?

I am the landlord who seeks a lot more than just rent. Makes me feel like a lord. Because I have land. Now, this is going to warm the cockles of my heart. Do not think rent will make the relationship equal. It is imbalanced and will remain so — always in my favour. No power on Earth can reverse that.

Smacks of my feudalistic mindset, perhaps. But it is nothing different. All landlords have such personality traits. In fact, they become landlords because they want to feel superior by giving a roof to others. Otherwise investing in other assets is far more lucrative. Trust me, the bliss of seeing a family living at my benevolence is so heavenly. Being a landlord gives a big high. I want to enjoy every moment of my being a landlord.

I can exert my authority in multiple ways. Nothing can stop me from doing so. I want to see the tenant say yes— yes to everything I say. I want to reduce his personality to nothing more than a subservient servant. I want to call the shots and lord over. I am the landlord. As he lives on rent, it means he has no roof of his own whereas I have so many to let out. I love to think he cannot afford to have a roof. That is why he is living on rent. I want to infer this and nothing beyond.

A tenant should know how to keep me happy in order to keep getting my renewal offer of the rental agreement. Or else I can opt for a replacement anytime. Because I am the landlord. A tenant should never provoke my ugly side. I want to play these silly games and get satisfaction. He should not mind doing the extra bit. After all, he is getting a roof over his head.

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