It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? Then why does it hurt still…

I wish I could have seen the way the way it would end even before we started; and then, maybe, just maybe, I would not have fallen so deep, maybe I wouldn’t have fallen at all… maybe.

You remember them, don’t you? A bleak spot in the vastness of your memory? The endless days and the endless nights. The holding of hands, the stolen kisses, the quickening of breath. How our hearts would contract and skip a beat every time it realized that it was in love?

I remember them too, only too vividly. Remember that play practice which you hated because it kept you away from me? Remember how you had held my hand and told me you loved me? How you looked me in eye and told me that you trust me and only me in this whole wide world? And how, like a naive child I had believed all of it to be true?

Like a dark cloud my mind feels oblivious. Oblivious to everything around except you. Like it was the day when we had gone camping, surrounded by the love and comfort of our friends. It was a full moon night when we had walked along the beach. Do you remember asking me for our first kiss? How we had stayed up the entire night, walking and talking; how you sang your favourite songs to me and made me squeal in delight; how you let me cry on your shoulders when the love overwhelmed me?

I loved you so much then. I was thrilled to be a part of you and your life and you had chided me for being sinfully happy. I had scornfully quipped nothing will go wrong now...
and you had simply smiled.

You knew it much before it happened, didn’t you? When you started maintain a distance, insisting that you are tied up. You wanted to spare me, but I was insanely in love and wanted to spend every moment with you. Do you remember the ugly fights we had? The times when even after swearing to never see your face again, I would stay up the entire night waiting for your call? Because I knew you would give in at some point and call.

To tell you the truth, I wanted to be practical, wanted to caution myself, but there was never time. You filled my heart and mind and there was never any space left to think. I had cried gallons when you said I will get hurt, that it is not the same and I should move out, that I misread your commitments. I had accused you be of being insensitive and cruel even though I saw through your lies to the love you carried for me.

That day. You remember that day, don’t you? When I sat at your doorstep, refusing to let you leave? Not trusting enough to let you out of my sight. Somehow I knew that the moment you walked out, you would never return. But you had insisted and accused me of being paranoid. You smiled and left.

So tell me, when you made plans for a new beginning on my birthday, did you know that they would never come true? When you boarded the train in the musty rains of Mumbai, did you know it would be your last journey? Did you regret when the world around you exploded? Did you think of me when you shut your eyes? 

Are you happy now in the faraway land, where my memory is long forgotten? Did you know that I died with you that night?

Love

Me